It’s World Breastfeeding Week and, honestly, babies need to eat more often than that.
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Wife: I’m going to the store. Need anything?
Me: Get some uhhh [can’t remember the name Aquafresh] Neapolitan toothpaste
If someone overtakes me when I’m walking, I match their speed so it looks like I’ve got friends.
What kind of outfit says “I want you to let me stand in your group so I don’t look like a loser but I don’t want to talk to any of you”?
Edison stole the idea for the lightbulb from the lightbulb that appeared above his head when he got the idea for the phonograph
Satan’s first act in the bible was to suggest that people eat more fruit.
No wonder we all hate him.
Comedian: My teardrop tattoos are to indicate how many times I’ve killed on stage.
Guy: I don’t see any teardrop tattoos.
I’m out here thumping watermelons like someone will murder my entire family if I pick the wrong one.
How did harry potter get down the hill?? Walking .. JK Rownling
peter parker: i’m broke i need a job
mary jane: well you invented web shooters, spider-tracers, web wings…
peter: yes! that’s it
mary jane: ya just patent your inventio-
peter: i’lll take pictures of myself and sell them to a newspaper
I won’t say I neglect my appearance but I will say I just shaved my legs at my desk after wearing a skirt to work.
These e-cigarettes keep getting bigger and bigger. I swear I just saw someone smoking a clarinet.
Saying no thanks to a CW’s offer to hit me with their car so I could take the day off proves decisions shouldn’t be made before coffee
My goal weight is to stop hearing ‘you have a great personality’
My kid: mumma where are you going?
Me: I’m going to meet my really old friends
My kid: you mean friends your age?
Me: ‘really old’ meaning from long ago
My kid: so same
If you want to piss off a narcissist, just tell ’em that subtweet wasn’t about them.
My grandpa purposefully takes his hearing aids out so he can’t hear my kids. I don’t blame him. I’m jealous of him.
And then I heard my mother’s voice come out of my mouth like a demonic possession, “Get your hands off my breakable ornaments!”
Cyber Monday but instead of buying more stuff, I get rid of it by putting it in Amazon boxes on my porch and let it get stolen
[at funeral]
My brother was so realistic and sensible. I guess you could say-
*casket is lowered into the ground*
-he was down to earth.
I still have made very little progress towards my life goal of being sawed in half by a magician
I’m sorry that I gave your baby a wine cooler. I forgot that I superglued a mustache on him earlier and thought he was of legal age.
Social media is one of the best things to ever happen to stupidity.
Me: I’ve reached the point of no return.
Librarian: Nice try, pal.
I never make New Year’s resolutions. I just carry the ones over from the previous year and add “This time I’m serious”
How awkward would it have been for coach if he put in Air Bud and they lost.
Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?
The trick is to have a night time routine. Turn off the lights at the same hour. Always brush your teeth. No TV in the bedroom. Think about every person you’ve ever met and their opinion of you for no more than two hours. Consistency is key.
The Joker did a lot of horrific things but the thing I objected to the most was him bringing a date to his open mic.
This cat wants you to take your pills
Probably the sport I’m best at is screaming.