It’s wrong! If gay marriage is legal who will stop me marrying this painting of a horse. This majestic painting. Who will stop me kissing it
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Kinda weird that you can’t tickle yourself, but masturbation works.
Him: Why are you going in circles???
Me: I’m buffering!!!
Therapist: you’ve finally learned to stand up to people, well done
Me: thank you
Therapist: now you need to pay my bill
Me: no
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
[at church]
ME: the fabric on these pews is so soft
HER: omg put your pants back on
[date]
HER: Any hobbies?
ME: I collect old comics
HER: Oh! Like 1st editions?
ME: [flashback to Billy Crystal tied up in basement] Sure
I had to use first and middle names on my daughters today for overly rough play in the pool.
Ages 22 and 25. With 401ks. This never stops.
Job requirements these days be like:
Looking to hire a caterpillar. Must have ten years experience as a butterfly.
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at my shirt pocket where a mouse pointing a gun at me is sitting]: cheese
” Don’t be upset”
Thanks man , I needed to be told that
I’m better now.
soft pretzels come one of 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
I wonder how Abraham Lincoln would feel if he knew he and Shakira’s hips have the same reputation
I cooked a new recipe for dinner and my 6yo ate it. If you need me, I’ll be out buying a lotto ticket because today is clearly my lucky day!
video games where you have to repair your gun or like change the oil in your motorcycle or whatever can take a damn hike. there’s plenty of tedium in my actual life–i wanna chainsaw a mutant in half, not fold virtual laundry.
I like microwaves that spin the food around because I’m all, oh yeah, hot pocket, looking good, girl, from the front AND the back uh huh.
Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.
Damn boy, are you leftover pizza in the fridge? Because I’ve been thinking about you all night…
I went into accounting because there is strength in numbers.
How to cure a headache
1. Drink a glass of water.
2. Take 10 deep breathes.
3. Give headache your credit card & tell her to go to the mall.
dont put all your eggs in one basket, put them in the little egg tray in the fridge thats what its for you idiot
how come kids always get lice but you never hear about adults getting lice. no workplace ever brings the lice inspection lady in to check the office. no one comes home from work like “sorry honey. tim on the fifth floor gave everyone lice again”
I thought I was a decent driver, but while I was driving my 7-year-old comforted her crying baby sister by saying, “Don’t worry. You’ll get used to it.”
I’m so out of shape, I can’t even run away from my insecurities.
Crocodiles possess the cerebral cortex function necessary for memory. So they’ll likely be hurt if you don’t actually show up after while.
A huge thanks to the person that did this
Romantic Emotional Stability Level:
I firmly believe “I could fix him” about Hannibal Lecter.
I’m guessing by the bathroom scale being in the trash my wife has met her new years resolution and doesn’t need it anymore
Him: What the hell is a palindrome?
Me: No, it’s not
The first time I threatened to “turn this car around!” we’d just left the park and were heading home. The kids cheered. It was a rookie dad move and I still haven’t fully recovered.
Me: have a good day make good choices!
My kid: no promises!