Its wrong that priests have to live a life of forced celibacy . They should get married and let celibacy come upon them the usual way.
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Therapist: I think you both suffer from Münchausen syndrome
Hansel and Gretel: [mouths full of gingerbread and gumdrops] why?
Physicist: *pounds fist* None of our models predicted this!
Cindy Crawford: What did you expect? My major was Chemical Engineering.
In the middle of an argument, begin calmly folding a blanket if you want the other person to go truly ballistic
[adds another nod to the conversation]
I would describe the cologne on the guy who was just in the elevator with me as “all of it.”
My son has said Mom 327 times from his room this morning.
He’s 21 and home for the summer.
It doesn’t get better.
You say “premarital sex” like there’s postmarital sex
LEGAL TIP
Open the calendar app on your phone, scroll back to the 15th of March 44BC and type in, “Stayed at home and watched TV all day today. Definitely didn’t go the the Senate.”
This gives you a plausible alibi in case you’re ever accused of assassinating Julius Caesar 👍
The new Ring movie looks terrifying
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
Everyone is gangster till they touch a bandaid in a pool
I’VE BEEN DIETING ALL WEEK!
I’M STARVING!
-Me, on a Tuesday
Son: Dad, you work so hard and never get any credit. You’re like a superhero!
Dad: Nice try. You’re still not getting the Internet password.
*Being murdered in bed*
Me: CAN YOU JUST TRY NOT TO DISARRANGE THE THROW PILLOWS??
Her: Who was your first love?
Me: Debbie.
H: What was she like?
M: She was little.
H: Are you talking about snacks?
M: [mouth full] Maybe.
My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.
That awkward moment when someone is cooking fish in the office and all the girls begin sniffing themselves.
I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.
Crossover ideas
– 50 Shades of Grey’s Anatomy
– Tiger King and I
– Orange is the New Black Mirror
– Captain Marvellous Mrs Maisel
– Breaking Bad Boys
Why do you love your baby so much. You’ve only known it for like 4 weeks.
Did you come from a “never take medicine for any reason whatsoever” family or a “you might get a headache today, take 12 advil” family
me: i’m going to buy the box of snack size bags of chips so i don’t eat so many calories
also me: [eats 32 snack size bags of chips in one sitting] well this didn’t work out.
[having sex with centaur]
ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*
Almost nailed it! 😂🤣
when you do a big stretch & hear a crackling noise, that’s ur bones clapping because you did a good job
Why do they report on the hurricane by standing in the middle of the hurricane?
When there’s a house fire, no one reports on it from inside the house.
mom: you waste your money on stupid stuff
me: you’re right. btw how’s that panini press working out?
mom:
me: making a lot of paninis with that thing?
“What?”
– Jude
if i was a killer who escaped around halloween, i would consider hiding around a haunted carnival that was largely populated by unassuming teenagers.