Its wrong that priests have to live a life of forced celibacy . They should get married and let celibacy come upon them the usual way.

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I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.


Whenever someone asks how i’m doing & walks away before i answer..I write “GREAT” on the side of thier car with my keys!


God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change & the strength to lift a car over my head. Saving the third wish for later.


Well, Jesus, now all Samsung’s competitors have to say is “we won’t blow up in your pocket and set you ablaze!”


Fact: A good beer will not lose its label after sitting in a cooler of ice water all week.

Related: Why is there still beer in the cooler??


You have a moderately successful Twitter account and you think “I should Google myself…”


UPDATE: Twitter Reacts To The Scottish Independence Referendum #indyref #ScotlandDecides


Darth: You should not have come back, old man.

Obi Wan: I DIDN’T. I was going to Alderaan. You caught our ship with a tractor beam. Idiot.