@SavageDabs69

Its wrong that priests have to live a life of forced celibacy . They should get married and let celibacy come upon them the usual way.

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@simoncholland

I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.

@HallpassCanada

Whenever someone asks how i’m doing & walks away before i answer..I write “GREAT” on the side of thier car with my keys!

@NicCageMatch

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change & the strength to lift a car over my head. Saving the third wish for later.

@jackiembouvier

Well, Jesus, now all Samsung’s competitors have to say is “we won’t blow up in your pocket and set you ablaze!”

@TheBoydP

Fact: A good beer will not lose its label after sitting in a cooler of ice water all week.

Related: Why is there still beer in the cooler??

@HatfieldAnne

You have a moderately successful Twitter account and you think “I should Google myself…”

@ThePoke

UPDATE: Twitter Reacts To The Scottish Independence Referendum #indyref #ScotlandDecides

@TheAlexNevil

Darth: You should not have come back, old man.

Obi Wan: I DIDN’T. I was going to Alderaan. You caught our ship with a tractor beam. Idiot.