“It’s Your Birthday” Mateo Said. I Didn’t Respond. “Are You Not Excited To Be 15” He Asked. Reading My Book I Uttered “I Turned 15 Long Ago”
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My Conservative Uncle Read More Thanksgiving Argument Guides Than Me and Turned Me Racist
Please stop throwing my only possession.
~dogs everywhere
If the US ends up in a civil war the history books will be insane, like did you read about the Battle of Burger King? You didn’t?! Let me tell ya, it was a whopper
Make healthier choices. Steal from Whole Foods.
‘I know a black person’
– White people
Hey Fugeddaboutit
Found some beef jerky under my kid’s pillow, and now I have some questions for the tooth fairy
Me: I’m so sick and I can’t taste anything
Disgusting cough syrup: Wanna bet?
“I’m not that kind of girl.”
~That kind of girl
Boss: You’re late! On Friday, I made it clear that anyone arriving late would be fired
Me: Well I didn’t know! I ducked out early on Friday
A thief has come into my home, and taken all but one of my sticks of mozzarella cheese. Everyone, lock your doors!
My 8yo just reasoned that I should clean up the mess from her craft project because I was the one who suggested she do the craft project.
Laziness level: expert.
You could eat off my bedroom floor. It’s not clean, but it is sturdy enough to support most food.
Me: Close your eyes. Give me your hand, darling. Can you feel my heart beating? Do you unders…
Dr:(removes stethoscope) Really? Everytime?
Slowly descending into madness anyone want anything?
we all have skills – but like, ones you can’t talk about right? like I am really good at wringing out a cloth the perfect amount so it doesn’t drip but it’s still juicy
Rage Against the Severely Uncooperative TouchPad On this Dell
Seth Rogen and James Franco having their movie pulled due to terrorist threats sounds like the plot of a Seth Rogen and James Franco movie.
ME: Sorry boss, I can’t make it in today. Because of Ebola.
BOSS: You have Ebola?
ME: No but someone does and I am FREAKING THE HELL OUT
The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool, but it still lets people leave voicemails, so they apparently haven’t worked out all the bugs yet.
Was going to do some writing on the porch but there’s a woman across the street lambasting her bf for cheating.
So now I’m just going to sit on the porch.
Friend: How long will it take you to recover from surgery?
Me: That depends on how long my husband is willing to cook, clean, and do the laundry.
her: what shall we eat tonight? any ideas?
me: I’ll just call the pizza guy
her: ok
[later]
pizza guy: you could make a nice lasagname: love it
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
CONGRATULATIONS
It has been
2̶4̶ 0 days
since you last stepped in cat puke.
When a new bird species visits your bird feeder
Can we not just call it Zealand now?
*strums guitar*
This is a little ditty I’ve been working on called “Stop putting nuts in the god damn brownies”
Hope you like it.
I stand at airplane arrival gates with a “SAMANTHA” sign, then cry after everyone’s exited until airport security brings me soup. Free soup!
5 told me she was really sad but didn’t want to say why so I said if she talks about it, it might make her feel better and she said “I’m sad because there’s no caramel cheese” and now we’re both sad