It’s your choice. Instead of resting bitch face you could call it irritable scowl syndrome.
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Maybe newborn babies cry because reincarnation is real and they’re like “not this shit again”
Mom always said to wear clean underwear in case I got hit by a bus and I’m like “they wouldn’t be clean anyway mom!”
ME: Boy, the upstairs neighbors are sure noisy tonight.
WIFE: Y— wait. We live on the top floor.
ME: *remembering my promise to the brotherhood of dancing chimney sweeps* Boy, sure is windy, is what I meant to say.
A girl on TikTok just said she is wearing her aunts vintage top from the early 2000’s and I’m dead.
Cucumbers hate becoming pickles. For them, it’s a jarring experience.
Oh sure, a 3yo can get candy for not pooping their pants, but when I demand wine for successful defecation, I get sent home by HR.
sigh
Establish dominance. Never let a dog lick you first
COP: where were u between 1 and 2
ME: in a diaper
COP: i mean 1 and 2 at night
ME: sleeping in my crib?? idk
It seems like every time I consider arson, the price of gas goes up.
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell: is the awkwardness the torture or…
devil: shut up it’s gonna—it’ll pick up
The lady at the massage parlor asked if I wanted a happy ending, I said yes and then she proceeded to tell me the plot of Homeward Bound.
I wrote ‘DIVORCE’, my wife wrote ‘YES’.
Tough way to find out, but at least I won our last game of Scrabble
My husband got *me* a fitness game for the Nintendo for Christmas.
I was like “what are you trying to say?”
Now the kids are at level 130 and wearing themselves out daily while out of my hair.
Turns out he’s a great gift giver.
*Digging my own grave* sounds like a lot of exercise just to lie down.
My wife: Have the kids been acting weird today?
Me: I don’t think it’s an act.
She wasn’t like other girls.
She was fifty stories of ceramic and titanium, bristling with particle cannons and mass drivers, built to drive back the horrors that came from between the stars and perhaps one day bring the war to their doorsteps.
And prom was in one week…
“I’ve lost 200 pounds in just one year.”
“Oh. CrossFit?”
“No. Gambling.”
Therapist: You seem annoyed & distant today
Whatever, I write on a tiny piece of paper before sending it across the room via carrier pigeon
Wife: I remember your proposal
Me: Oh yeah?
Wife: It was so romantic
Me: It was?
Wife: You put in so much effort
Me:
Wife: That was Steve?
Me: That was Steve
BOSS: do you know why I called you today?
ME: because I work on Thursdays?
BOSS: no it’s because- wait what no you work every day
ME: wow you should call more
When I found out Carl was a beekeeper I stopped loaning him bees.
A cartoon by Sam Gross from 1998, in honor of our 90th Anniversary Book of Cartoons:
Your restraining order says NO
But your lazy eye says…….maybe later.
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
5 walked in on sexy time last night and yelled “Mommy’s in danger” so I’m just wondering if it’s better to explain it to her teacher or just wait for the call?
The 5 most important things to teach my kids:
1. be honest
2. show respect
3. be true to yourselves
4. be kind & generous
5. be humble
6. to count
I TRY to shoot all of my garbage into outer space, but usually it just lands in my neighbor’s backyard.
philosophical skeletons be like
Pronounces Beyoncé as Bouncy
Just to piss off my kids