it’s your first day back at work. your boss calls you in. “why aren’t you wearing pants?”
“threw em out” you shrug
you turn to leave but stop at the door. “wait,” you say. “but why aren’t you wearing pants”
“what?” he looks down, confused. “oh, right” he shrugs. “threw em out”
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5 yo: Mommy, did you eat my donut?
Me: No
Husband: Why does he think you would eat his donut?
Me: Because he’s met me
16,875,547,322 traffic-related bug deaths so far this year
WIFE: How’s the ventriloquism going?
ME: Not good.
WIFE: But I got you that Ventriloquism For Dummies book.
ME: I don’t think he read it.
40% of my vocabulary consists of words that I inventaciously creatified.
interviewer: ur biggest weakness?
me: i hate working
My 3-year-old stubbed his toe and then cried and screamed I’M DYING,” so I silently looked at my husband and he sighed and said, “I know. He got that from me.”
tamagotchi my fitbit
owners
🤝
trying to keep a weird
little guy alive
[Using raccoons for a heist]
Pros:
• stealthy
• tiny hands
• no fingerprints
• blend in with the dark
• attracted to shiny things
• already have the outfitCons:
• distracted by shiny things
• not great with directions
• poor traffic safety
Ever smell a permanent marker and accidently color the tip of your nose black?
Related: They’re called permanent markers for a reason.
I’ll go first…
Bad Boys. 😏
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
I bet ducks would love bananas if they knew about bananas.
First thing I do in the 10 items or less line is count the number of items the person in front of me has.
Accidentally feng shui’d tonight when everybody wang chunged and I’ve never been more embarrassed. That lamp does look great there though.
Childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
🎵 These cheese curds are beyond compare
I can watch the hockey there
I wear my toque and back bacon is keen
Eat Tim Horton’s with no cares
Share my french fries with some bears
But I cannot compete with you
Poutine
Being an adult
Pros)You can eat anything you want
Cons)You can’t eat anything you want
Just because someone smiles a lot doesn’t mean they’re nice. Take alligators for example.
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
What do you call emergency rooms for non medical emergencies?
Bars, they’re called bars
*gives your eulogy after inhaling helium*
[Commercial for condoms]
*a baby cries*
NARRATOR: Condoms
I wanna hold your ham or however that song goes
Catfishing my ex… So you could say we’re back together.
There are exactly two (2) kinds of names in DnD
1) Ephena Solancae Diuturna of Theviara II
2) Smork Dirtbag
Lost fighter jets are always in the last place you look.
“Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I’d been invited to an autopsy.
Cat: if my calculations are correct, a meteor will destroy the Earth in 324 days…
[What I hear]
Cat: meow..
Me: awe, who wants a snuggle?
*I finish setting up a display of skeletons in my front yard*
Neighbor: Great Halloween display!
Me: What is halloween?
Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.
Stranger: No.