“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”~History
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*gets filled with hope*
Hope: *has a leak*
Picture me naked.
Wrong.
More plates of nachos stacked around me.
I just watched a video about a 9-year-old kid who recently graduated high school and wants to become an astrophysicist. I had to Google “How do you spell astrophysicist?”
If I didn’t have kids, I’d be questioning why I found acorns under a fake Christmas tree.
My son made the mistake of telling me I was being overdramatic so I just changed the WiFi password.
We’ll see who’s overdramatic in about 2 minutes.
Throughout history they’ve removed a lot of key parts from the bible, like how Satan nicknamed his loofah “Loofifer.”
Everyone talks shit about the Salem Witch Trials but there hasn’t been a witch attack in like 300 years.
Me: How much for the goth cucumber?
Clerk: That’s a cactus…
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who asked for oatmeal and you have the audacity to give them oatmeal.
deleted instagram because i’m sick of it and there is nothing on there that i want to see anymore. deleting my bank app for the exact same reason
My daughter just came up to me in a ski mask and said “give me all your money!”
Then she turned around and said “you look broke, I’ll try another house” as she promptly walked away.
My client sent an email that read, “…and then he said why don’t you myofb!”
Yes, I had to google that.
Yes, I will be using that in the future as frequently as possible. Myofb.
[lowering myself Mission Impossible style from the ceiling and hovering over your sleeping body]
Me, whispering: So, what did you mean by “oh.” in that text message?
getting the worlds most powerful noise cancelling headphones so i can go to concerts and listen to the studio version of whichever song theyre playing currently
My pet name for my manhood, for obvious reasons, is Whitesnake…You know, cuz… “Here I go again on my own”.
911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now
the worst part about cooking for others is not licking the utensils every time you stir something
I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white
Fell in love with my cashier today, but then she said “Hi, how are you?” to the next customer, like that wasn’t totally OUR thing!
It’s normal for married couples to fight. The trick is for you and your spouse to find a couple you can easily beat up.
Telling my daugthers date that “she has lice and its very contagious the closer you get to her.”
*Correct way to parent.
me: *entering the ocean*
ocean: how about at least buying me dinner first?
I hate when people tell plus size girls they can’t “pull something off” like honey I’m trying to buy white jeans not steal the Declaration of Independence
My new table from Ikea is actually just the unopened box with a tablecloth thrown over it.
Sometimes I lay in bed awake at night thinking, how did Skeletor from He-Man speak perfectly without lips or a tongue
I like how the Tooth Fairy got the job, and then subbed it out to everyone’s parents. That’s called “business savvy.”
My wife’s leaving me for refusing to stop referring to our children as my Capri Son and Capri Daughter.
“The biblical Noah is no different than say, a Pokemon master, collecting God’s creatures for his own amusement,” I casually mention during the staff meeting while waiting for my PowerPoint to load
That feeling when he says you look angelic but you don’t know if he means you look really pretty or if you have an abnormally high number of eyeballs.
I wish you were here with me baby
So you can close the curtains and let the dog out, I don’t wanna get up