[itsy bitsy spider diary]
Day 47 of my attempt to climb water spout. Weather looks good. Hopeful.
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
Really discouraging that there’s still bald people in sci fi movies.
Me: *looking in my closet* I have nothing to wear
Murderer: *cramped inside* agree to disagree
Who called it ‘The Last Supper’ and not ‘Jesus take the meal’
Am I pissed my dad’s been gone for 25 years going to the store for “cigarettes”? Probably not as pissed as he is. The line must be out of control.
SOCK COP: i’ll ask you one last time, WHERE IS MY PARTNER?
DRYER: rot in hell, pig
Watching football with your 11 y/o daughter is fun because when you get frustrated at your team, she asks calming questions like, “Daddy, do you really think you can do better than the players?”
If you call me Dear, I automatically grandpa zone you.
I can tell the way my kids inherited my sarcasm by the way I want to punch them in the face every time they use it.
Please send yard fairy. Or a genie. Or your firstborn. Anyone that will cut grass will do
i wonder if it’s possible to swim from one end to the other in a pool filled with mashed potatoes ?
When someone asks for advice about dumping their partner, they don’t mean in the woods.
I know that now.
Day 137 of telling myself I’ll start working out as soon as my [body part] stops hurting
Carl: “It’s chilly out.”
Me: “Tell me something I don’t know.”
“Two dogs were hanged during the Salem witch trials.”
“Fair enough, Carl.”
You know you’re tired when you kneel on the ground pick something up and then have to decide if it’s easier to get up or just live there now
Sorry can’t. Calling NASA and making alien noises
Day One living in a Tiny House: Well, isn’t this quaint?
Day Two: Murder
Me (severely dehydrated): This churro is overcooked, and I can barely taste the cinnamon
Lifeguard: sir, put down the pool noodle
[Getting back into van after museum heist]
Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?
Me: Did you finish the banana bread?
16: yep
Me: Great, because it was actually a healthy zucchini bread.
16: THIS HOUSE IS FULL OF LIES!
I’m a social vegan, I don’t like meet.
[expensive restaurant date]
me: waiter, the William please
I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.
[seaworld]
“Hey what happened to the new guy?”
-He tried to have sex with
the dolphin in tank 6“But there’s a shark in tan..”
-BINGO!
You know that confused look old people get when looking at new technology?
I’m like that, but with salad.
take that, baby!!! he knows what he did.