I’ve accidentally set up push notifications for the BBC science magazine and it’s like being followed about by an inquisitive but annoying child
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Me: Do you need a sample?
Nurse: Ma’am we just need to swab your throat
Me: But I gotta pee and I don’t want it to go to waste
My 4-year-old thinks the 5-second rule means she can eat anything off the floor if she waits 5-seconds first. That M&M was from last Easter.
My girlfriend asked me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
My body: I need to perspire.
Antiperspirant: The hell you do.
If you tell someone “nice shirt” and they don’t look down at it you’re talking to a robot.
[in hell]
ME: *sitting down in auditorium* this doesn’t seem so bad
SATAN: *on stage* hi everyone, before I begin my interactive performance—
ME: ugh
SATAN: —I’d like everyone to move down to the first three rows
ME: UGH
Me: Who will I share the sunset with now?! *sobs*
Friend: Bad breakup?
Me: No. *wipes tears* My Instagram isn’t working.
Practicing safe sax
Me: would you trade me for a younger woman?
H: oh honey age doesn’t matter! I’d trade for someone who doesn’t talk through the game.
Getting emails texts and calls from school during the school year: WHAT DO THEY WANT NOW??
Getting emails, texts and calls from school in August: IS IT STARTING EARLY?! CAN I TAKE HER NOW??!
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself five years from now?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
Ferrari squats
My dad and I both have a gift for figuring out who the villain is in super hero movies we’ve already watched
[middle of the night]
Me: Wake up!
Wife: What?!
Me: I dreamt Dolores Umbridge banned my pig
Wife:
Me: But she couldn’t. It was HOGwarts
Tonight’s parenting lesson:
If a 2-year-old says, “I’m going to puke,” FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON’T CALL HER BLUFF.
I need a shower.
Wife: Did you pay the mortgage yet?
Me: Do you think surfers in India are called Hindudes?
Wife: What?
Me: What?
Communication is hard
At this point making life choices involves liquor and a dart board.
this year i WILL investigate all suspicious noises instead of merely saying “must have been the wind” and returning to my patrol route
Exercise gives you energy but you need energy to exercise. Sounds like a pyramid scheme to me
A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.
[First day as a detective]
Me *pouring a drink*: let’s play never have I ever
Murder suspect:
Me: never have I ever shot a guy
Suspect:
Me: never have I killed guy… even by accident? *nudges their drink closer*
Suspect: dude stop
Me: *mouthing* ᵀᵃᵏᵉ ᵃ ˢᶦᵖ
What doesn’t kill you, forces me to reload.
Hate it when I bring someone back to my place for the first time and all they want to talk about are the corpses.
developing a crush on a writer is like oh great now i got all this reading homework
My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
I like this time of year because I can dig graves in my front yard and people think it’s just a cute Halloween display
Mornin
Me: Hey, baby. Want to come over?
Him: No, I’m sorry. I’m contemplating the meaning of life.
Me: I’m naked and alone 😏
Him: We all are…
Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit, probably
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds.
Them: Ok, What about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: *narrows eyes and looks intently over the trees* Yes, they’re all birds.