I’ve already had 3 people ask if I have enough wine to last me through the hurricane. Beginning to think I may have a reputation.
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Canadians are so nice and polite bc they made a pact with Satan to have all their hate stored in the geese
What’s the matter, babe?
You haven’t touched any of your Shrekfast.
Once upon a time I could complete a sentence and then I had kids. The end.
No. You simply have to put the mall hours on this sign. You simply have to.
I was in the Valentine’s aisle looking for candy, and next to the adorable stuffed pink bears were the high-powered binoculars. Finally a store that understands the romance of stalking.
My neighbor’s 2yo is on my front lawn shouting NO NO NO NO. Not sure what she’s protesting but I’m gonna go join her.
Do I lie completely still during sex? Yes, but what makes me unique is I mutter “light as a feather, stiff as a board” while I do it.
instead of renting an apartment im going to save up for a lighthouse and go insane in it
I told my kid not to turn off the lights. He shuffled over to the switch, looked me in the eye and when he touched it he got zapped. It was static electricity, but now he thinks I have powers.
Sometimes you think you only have one cat but after you stay home a week you find you have two that look alike.
You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can’t do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.
AUNT: You look just like your dad.
ME: Thanks. We both use our eyes.
My daughter saw a frog in the yard today so I won’t be leaving the house.
[being eaten alive by cannibals]
cannibal: is he… joining in?
the hardest part about going somewhere is people asking “who are you going with?” … definitely seems to be a sort of cultural norm quota limit on how many times you can answer that with “some guy from craigslist”
signs you’re dating an angel:
– skin made of smooth marble
– thousands of eyes that emit lasers
– wings violently displace tons of air
– 13,000 trumpets constantly
– peaceful sense of impending doom
– giant chalice overflowing with acid
– texts you good morning
People say “life’s a journey, not a destination,” because the destination is death. The journey sucks too. Anyway, to the bride and groom!
My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable
hitler’s mom: WHY DO ALL THESE TIME TRAVELERS KEEP TRYING TO KILL MY BABY???
{Favorite Halloween Prank at Walmart}
Old Lady: Your son is adorable
4 yr. old: *running down aisles*
Me: Mam’ My son died 10 years ago.
When life hands you alligators, make gator aid.
I’d be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.
“The ship is sinking!”
Me (calmly): bring me noodles, tomatoes, and cheese
“You can save us with that?”
Me (making one last lasagna): what
Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.
who sleeps with a chair next to their bed that’s like asking for a dead family member to wake you up at 3am asking what you’re doing with your life
I’m just a girl standing in front of a cat who followed me to the bathroom.
If you’re wondering what a mom brain is I just looked for the milk in the microwave.
I wish I was dinosaur. No school, no work, just ror ror.
Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.
His future in Politics is secure.
The first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is stupid.