I’ve already lost 72 ponytail holders this weekend
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Do you want a straw or do you want a STRAW?
Me: don’t 🙏🏼 judge 💜 other 🌈 people 💕 be kind ✌🏼😇
Also me: anyone who likes the new Taylor Swift song has a rotten brain parasite
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
Bought coffee flavoured ice cream hoping the kids would hate it and I could have it all but NOPE! Joke’s on me!
Curse you,
gloriously divine Häagen-Dazs in literally any flavour.
Hitting the brakes, I instinctually reach my arm out in front of my passenger seat as my mother did before me. It’s ok, I whisper to my travel Doritos, you’re safe.
Saying no thanks to a CW’s offer to hit me with their car so I could take the day off proves decisions shouldn’t be made before coffee
When I was going into surgery my dad said “Good luck w/ your surgery” and I said “you too” so now my dad has to get surgery too, he’s pissed
Today a guy at the bus stop said, “Lovely weather, huh?” and I just started running cuz I didn’t know the answer.
The children of the corn are probably the grandparents of the corn now. Like “no Billy Bob, only kill him a little, grandpa’s got enough for the blood sacrifice”
Pronounces Beyoncé as Bouncy
Just to piss off my kids
Me: *goes for midnight jog*
My boss: *pops out of trash can* RUNNING LATE AGAIN I SEE
Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.
He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?
I feel terrible I sat back and did nothing while 5 “Twilight” movies were made.
I call my mother twice a week. Or as she refers to it, “Never.”
Kinda rude TikTok has “hiding your double chin hacks” in my algorithm.
CONTRACTOR: it’s a small leak you just need a plumber
BOWSER: castle’s ruined boys we’re moving!
1: ‘Twas the night before xmas, & all thru the house
Dad was trashed on Grey Goose, mom spilled merlot on her blouse
I dropped my soap in the shower. On purpose. Nothing happened. You guys are full of it.
That’s easy for you to say
What if Tony soprano was holding a cat like The Godfather but the cat is Garfield
the guy who keeps stealing my packages is really gonna love my latest order, “giant beehive (1 count)”
I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said “Die, Decepticons! Die!”
Me: Why won’t my friends talk to me anymore
Also me: I’m hummuspilled. I’m going chickpea mode. I’m in my garbanzo era.
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
my dad can break into almost any car using a frozen chimichanga
*takes off hat*
“I’m afraid I have some bad news ma’am”
*puts on her hat*
“I’ve stolen your hat”
Tequila, because sometimes you and your toilet need to hug it out.
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
Origami = folding paper
Jiu Jitsu = folding clothes (while people are still in them)#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes #jiujitsu
just thinking about how I had a convo with a dude who said he thinks he’s allergic to almonds bc they make his tongue itch but chocolate is a good anti-inflammatory because his tongue doesn’t itch when it’s chocolate covered almonds…