I’ve already lost 72 ponytail holders this weekend

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If I had Pokemon, I’d pretend to understand them. They’d go “Bulba bulbaaasaur” and I’d be like “What do u mean Hitler did nothing wrong?”


What did one ocean say to the other?

Nothing, it just waved.

Sea what I did there?

I’m shore you did.

Laugh, you son of a beach!


This cop standing next to my car wouldn’t let me finish my tweet until I signed something for him.
Why are some people so needy?!


Always answer a math question in a silly voice because if you’re wrong they’ll think you’re joking and if you’re right they’ll feel dumb.


People: why do dogs bark at the mail man every single day

Dogs: the mailman has literally never gotten in how do you not see what I’m doing


HER: I love Game Of Thrones

ME(trying to impress her): I slept with my sister


advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them


Robber: This is a stick up

Me: *clears throat* I’ll stick up for Larry. Pat called him an idiot earlier and although it’s true, it was mean


WIFE: why is there a chicken wearing glasses in our living room
ME: he’s my new friend
CHICKEN: *pecks at the floor and his glasses fall off*
ME: oh no where did Cluck Kent go