@iRowlf When my son loses his 1st tooth, Im putting $1 under his pillow and a note that says “I’ll be back with a hammer for the rest. -Tooth Fairy”
@Maxine12333 I’ve always admired a man in a uniform who is soft, sweet and tender. I guess my perfect match is the Stay Puft Marshmellow man.
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@iRowlf 
@chrisscarlette *i put two straws in my drink*
gf: awhh 🙂
me: hell ya double barrel
*i use both straws*
@flashember Wife: Sleep tight, don’t let the bed bugs bite!
Me: Haha funny.
[under the mattress]
Bed Bug King: TONIGHT WE DINE IN HELL *tiny drums bang*
@reallifemommy3 *Middle of dinner*
My kid: Can I have a snack?
@EyalTweet She was a mystery to me, much like the hair you find when you uncap the Chapstick.
@Dawn_M_ I will take your secret to the grave. Unless I’m drunk and revealing it will make me popular.
@Browtweaten me: I saw you kissing santa claus last night
mom: that was actually your father
me: *tearing up* omg does dad know
@heatherlou_ As a mom, I’m super excited about the rock collection my daughter just told me she’s starting.
@amburgklur Just think: right now, your body is cookin’ up some poop.
@Dawn_M_ I’d make an excellent cavewoman because I can finger paint and light fires.