I’ve always admired a man in a uniform who is soft, sweet and tender. I guess my perfect match is the Stay Puft Marshmellow man.

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When my son loses his 1st tooth, Im putting $1 under his pillow and a note that says “I’ll be back with a hammer for the rest. -Tooth Fairy”


*i put two straws in my drink*

gf: awhh 🙂

me: hell ya double barrel

*i use both straws*


Wife: Sleep tight, don’t let the bed bugs bite!
Me: Haha funny.
[under the mattress]
Bed Bug King: TONIGHT WE DINE IN HELL *tiny drums bang*


She was a mystery to me, much like the hair you find when you uncap the Chapstick.


I will take your secret to the grave. Unless I’m drunk and revealing it will make me popular.


me: I saw you kissing santa claus last night

mom: that was actually your father

me: *tearing up* omg does dad know


As a mom, I’m super excited about the rock collection my daughter just told me she’s starting.


Just think: right now, your body is cookin’ up some poop.


I’d make an excellent cavewoman because I can finger paint and light fires.