I’ve always admired a man in a uniform who is soft, sweet and tender. I guess my perfect match is the Stay Puft Marshmellow man.
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My son found some handcuffs under our bed so I had to have “the talk” today…
I’m an international crime fighter now
A cropped version of my wind turbines cartoon seems to be doing the rounds. It’s by me, if you see it.
*opens kitchen drawer*
Me: Whoa, what’s with all the whisks?
Sir-Mix-a-Lot: Why you judgin me?
INTERVIEWER: And why under skills did you put “has dominion over bees”?
ME: [covered in bee stings] You can cross that one off
Wish we had the power of at least one ‘do over’ in our lives. I used mine up in the 1st grade and winning at hopscotch wasn’t worth it.
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy, and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
Finally I have an excuse for getting fat, heard on radio about girl who been eating in her sleep … That’s it, I’ve got that !
DOG: Then he said “Who’s a good boy?”
DOG THERAPIST: *nodding* You are of course
DOG: *wagging tail* I KNOW BUT WHY DOES HE KEEP ASKING?
I’m listening to a flat earth argument at this bar and I want so bad to interject more stupid nonsense
gf: you should learn from your mistakes
me: ok! so teach me
It’s 4:20 do you know what that means?!?
It means only 40 minutes left to get 8 hours of work done.
You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?
WIFE: look at that couple. He kisses his girl every time he sees her. Why can’t you do that
ME: I’d love to but I don’t know her well enough
Most of my exercise comes from getting up to let the cat in and out.
It’s like my grandma always used to say, “Don’t go to the grocery store hungry and don’t go to the liquor store drunk.”
If u wanna be happy the rest of ur life
Never make a prairie falcon ur wife
They need a moderate altitude
To catch burrowing owls for food
Mirror, mirror on the wall
Why so many fingerprints?
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i never listen to u
HER: yes
ME: k see u tonight
What did one tectonic plate say to another when he bumped into the other?
Sorry! My Fault!
Going to start punching people in the face who say fight me. Words mean things, Paul.
I still love Rage Against the Machine
but now it’s just me fighting with my husband over his constantly malfunctioning “smart home” systems.I just want to turn off a light …
The kids are upset we’re having chicken and peas for dinner which means our dog is very happy we’re having chicken and peas for dinner.
Yes, my date did get up and leave during dinner but luckily she hadn’t finished her food.
I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.
“Make him press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“He still there?”
“Give him 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
Sometimes Jesus asks himself, “What would some self-righteous hypocrite do?”
“Lemme do a quick poop and I’ll be right with you.” – me working the deli counter
Me: Why do you have that I thought I threw it away. Where did you get it?
4: I taked it out of the trash can.
Me: *eye twitches*
Her: Have you seen the salsa?
Me: Yes. I must have left it in the bathroom
Her:
If you keep pronouncing the L in salmon I going to stab you with my kah-nife