I’ve always been a staunch egalitarian, although occasionally I will eat other birds of prey.
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If i had a dollar for every time you guys said Twitter was going out of business, I’d have enough money to buy Twitter.
Quick! Everyone on Facebook is at church! Let’s go steal all their shit!
ACCEPTABLE RISK
Age 12: My parents could find out!
Age 21: This’ll either get me high or kill me!
Age 45: That might get stuck in my teeth.
I need a Valentine’s Day card that says, “Sorry we keep almost-divorcing during the pandemic.”
My neighbor is power washing his driveway for the third day in a row so to make him stop I’m sending over a marriage counselor.
[Maroon 4 meeting]
Adam Levine: “Our band name sucks”
Drummer that no one knows the name of: “let’s think bigger”
Adam: “I’ve got it”
Remember, your toilet is just afraid of you as you are of it.
[god creating kangaroos]
Let’s make a horse rabbit.
If you need a laugh.. 😅
Lets keep this short tell me what I did right
Neighbor: Do you want to see our new baby?
Me: I didn’t even want to see the old one
I didn’t see San Andreas because I heard there’s not a scene where a therapist tells the seismologist, “It’s not your fault.”
Pro Tip: If you stand outside a restaurant wearing a red jacket, people will literally just give you their car.
I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.
Nearly choked on a carrot and a donut would never do that to me.
Me: Take my pic *hands him camera & giggles*
Him: What’s funny?
Me: Nothing.
Him: *presses button, explodes, dies*
Me: Ha! Photo bombed!
Me: when I say WAF you say FLES, WAF—
My kids: so is breakfast almost ready or what, you’re literally killing us
she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds
What animal do I respect most? The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.
Son: Dad, is cousin Billy a mosquito?
Me: In Alabama?
S: Yeah.
M: Of course not. Why do you ask?
S: Mom said he was the product of insects.
Me: Omg it’s soooo hot!
Dog: You want me to sit on you?
Surgeon: scalpel.
[patient hands him scalpel]
Surgeon: oh shit! Lol. You’re supposed to be asleep.
First rule of double entendre club is please let us know if you’re coming
No one is reading any of these tweets. Feel free to unburden yourself. I murdered a drifter once. Wow. That feels great. Now you.
Jewelry make the perfect gifts because if things don’t work out, she can throw them away and make you suffer. Take Titanic for example.
My husband: *finishes vacuuming*
Me: *asserts dominance, by maintaining eye contact with him while handing the kids a bag of crackers*
When I was a child I dreamed of being an old west cowboy. When I grew up I realized they didn’t have toilet paper with aloe.
Everyone rags on Facebook, but where else can you get a weather update, religious counseling, and a peach cobbler recipe all in one site.
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
whoever said misery loves company spelled calories wrong