I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for female T-Rex because the tampon insertion must’ve been really difficult.
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Me: *covers up with fleece blanket*
Wife: *rips it off me* This is for the cats
So I neutered my car yesterday
“You, what?”
Neutered my car
“…”
It’s another word for fixed
“I wish I never gave you that thesaurus”
ok here’s the deal. Yes it was dumb of NASA to ask Sally Ride if she needed 100 tampons for a 7-day mission, but I would have said “Actually I need 250” because that’s free tampons from the government, babbbbyyy.
ME: where’s your brother?
OLDEST CHILD: where’s another roll of duct tape?
ME: *sprints to the basement*
my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town
Dating – Do you want to share my cheesecake?
Married- Touch my cheesecake and I’ll end you.
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
Somebody out there is thinking of you and the impact you have in their life. It’s not me, I think you’re an idiot.
friend: my dad said he was “going for cigarettes” and never came back
me: oh wow me too
[meanwhile]
Our dads: *raggedy beards* let’s try aisle 7
walking into gamestop smoking a cigar to announce that i own $60 of stock and i demand they add garfield to super smash bros
My therapist says “being eaten by a bear” is not a “goal”.
You know a corn maze is going to be intense when it has a missing-child poster at the entrance.
My bathroom scale is wrapped in duct tape, missing half the numbers, and the dial has been stuck at 110 lbs for years, but I refuse to buy a new one because that’s my ideal weight.
A friend was talkin about her expensive face lotion. She said she was confused about it runnin out so fast. She finally asked her husband & he said he wondered why she kept buyin such tiny bottles. Fool was using it on his whole body😭. Said it was silkiest skin era of HIS LIFE
The life cycle of pickles:
Day 1: Wife buys pickles
Day 1: I eat picklesDay 2: I replace pickles
Day 2: I eat picklesDay 3: Wife notices missing pickles
Day 3: Both buy pickles
Day 3: I eat pickles
“Will you stop CHOKING?”
First Aid in my house, apparently.
Me: Wanna take this upstairs?
Her: Mhm, but you should know it’s my first time
Me: Don’t worry, upstairs is like the downstairs, just higher
Doctor: Open your mouth (inserts tongue depressor)
Me: Mmm, this tastes good.
Dr: You should have tasted it when the Popcicle was on it!
I have a lift function on my wheelchair so I can reach tall counters. The lift moves really slowly. One time, I got overcharged for something. I tried to storm out of the store, but my chair just slowly lowered to the ground as the cashier stared at me.
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for self adhesive bondages
Women are from Venus, men are wrong.
Apparently Bird Box is not a KFC $5 fill up. I know this now…
NyQuil:
Because who doesn’t like to dream about your cat turning into your dog and your dog taking you for a walk and picking up your poop.
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.
Me and the dogs are watching a Tom and Jerry cartoon. They appreciate the blue and yellow hues, and I like the orchestral score, but we’re not buying the improbable plot twists and we bemoan the lack of character depth
Car commercials are so insane, like hey we’re going to the mountains to chase owls in our kia sorento, alright take it easy penelope.
‘I’ll cut a bitch.’
– veterinarian explaining his spaying procedure
Never been more fit than the semester after my college bf dumped me…hey JP got a beach vacation comin up mind doin it again
“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”
I like to say “good morning” to older people after 1pm & watch their face burn with the hate fire of a thousand suns for me & my generation.