Ive always hated math because, in my head, all the word problems sounded like this:
The spaghetti envelopes are triangular. Find X.
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Born to Do Math
#GeekySongsAndShows
Oops, I ate my feelings again.
~ a memoir
Check your privilege
Me as a bachelor contestant: “you’re not talking to any other girls, right?”
The first guy to eat cheese had a creepy hunch that totally paid off
I love how you guys shit on Lohan, Hilton and Kardashian. If one of those bitches said a word to you fools, your balls would explode.
Trainer: WHAT DO YOU WANT?
Me: A BIKINI BODY
T: WHEN DO YOU WANT IT?
Just after I finish this beer.
Everything went according to a plan I didn’t have.
My ex is on Facebook saying how much he misses travelling, like he ever went further than the pub
Hey Dads who think that being home with the kids alone is called “babysitting”. You’re wrong. It’s called “parenting”. Not the same.
shaggy: hey scoob where’s my burger
scooby: ruh roh
shaggy: great danes only live 8 years you know
scooby: ruck roo
Waking up and having 3 hours before my alarm goes off: *sleeps*
Waking up and having 3 minutes before my alarm goes off: *SLEEPS FASTER*
I’m happy my date didn’t snoop in my medicine cabinet but sad I spent an hour setting up 40 ping pong balls in there for nothing
*spills wine on Ouija board*
OUIJA: *moving pointer by itself* H-E-Y S-S-E-X-Y D-Y-O-O-U-W-W-A-N-N-A M-A-K-E O-U-T
ME: *moves pointer to NO*
Miles: Mom what does clitoral damage mean?
Me: 😳 Use it in a sentence, baby
Miles: Like clitoral damage in a war?
Me: Co-lat-er-ul, babe
Government Shutdown: Day Two
Mars rover Curiosity sits with nothing to do.
Watches all 5 seasons of “The Wire”.
Totally gets the hype now.
maybe if they didn’t want air bnb to fall they should’ve made it on the ground
WIFE: If you embarrass me in public again, I’m leaving you
[Single Ladies comes on the jukebox]
ME: *rising to my feet* Well, we had a good run
Arguing with strangers on the internet is like yelling at a parking meter. I mean, I still do it sometimes, but nobody wins.
me: I don’t need to write it down, I’ll remember
me 5 seconds later: oh no
This sweet pup found a new friend 🖤
If you say safety in Numbers you haven’t read Numbers.
Coaching softball is wild because you get to call timeouts to teach valuable life lessons or sometimes just because your pitcher lost her tooth and she needs you to hold it for the Tooth Fairy.
Don’t make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.
People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.
4, crawling into bed with me at 3am: mommy? i had a nightmare
me: me too. what was yours?
4: ghosts were chasing me. what was yours?
me: that I didn’t have kids and I could get a full night’s sleep
4: you know nightmares aren’t real?
me: yeah, I do
I’ve already broken all my resolutions and like 4 commandments.
I hate when my MacBook start breathing heavy
“It’s never too late to get the beach body you want,” I say, pulling a fresh corpse out of the ocean