@QwertyJones3 TIME TRAVELER: I’m here from the future
ME: Really? Who wins the election?
TT: Omg it’s such a disgrace
ME: You need to be more specific
@mochanya I’ve always heard that ignorance is bliss. My question: Exactly, how ignorant do I have to be before I find bliss?
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@QwertyJones3 
@robotmouthfarts EMT: [opens my shirt revealing bread covering my nipples] You faked cardiac arrest for this?
Me: Just say clear and make my grilled cheese.
@YourMomsucksTho this holiday season i simply wish for everyone to have the gift of happiness, like the extremely misplaced happiness of a high schooler who just graduated and thinks the hardest part of life is finally over
@neiltyson Urge is strong to leave work early on summer Fridays to avoid traffic. Most do it & become the traffic they sought to avoid.
@clindsaysway Overheard, my parents, watching the World Cup:
Dad: Who are you routing for?
Mom: I’m routing for it to be over.
@JediGigi M:$50 on the ginger with face tattoos
H: Ma’am those aren’t tattoos, they’re freckles and you can’t bet on a 6th grade spelling bee
@Feenohmenal I’m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.
@thesarahripley Mosquito’s are like dirty used needles, that can fly.
@prasdelo Asked hubs to pick up tampons. Love doin that shit. Also said I needed super, light, long, short, orange ones so he’ll have to ask someone.
@jshbck There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.