I’ve ALWAYS said “A sport is not a sport unless you can play it while shitting.”
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I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.
If you think going for a drive isn’t cardio, you haven’t been in my passenger seat.
The first generation gentle parent in me resisting the urge to say ‘that’s what happens when you don’t pick up your shit’ when my kid falls over a toy.
Shrimp: My mom’s coming to visit
Starfish wife: Again?! The 3rd time this year?
S:She’s lonely
Wife: Oh grow a spi…
S: Grow a what, Karen?
How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”
If you ever wondered how long it takes for an over-heated microwave burrito to cool off, the answer is 37 days.
When I’m mad at my kids I like to sing the wrong lyrics to the music as I rage clean just to piss them off. That way we can all be mad at each other.
the clam before the storm
I can’t believe someone broke into my garage and stole my limbo stick. Like, seriously, how low can you go?
i fact checked this, it’s true ☑️
Pro tip:
Don’t ever ask rhetorically; “what is wrong with me?” in front of your wife. I did this two days ago.
She’s still telling me.
me: *nervously* will he feel anything while you’re operating?
car mechanic: no
I am a man with convictions.
Mostly because I have a really terrible lawyer.
Unfortunately, my fear of moving stairs is escalating.
Me: Do you have assorted cheeses?
Mom [exactly right next to me]: A sword of jesus?
Me: Yes ma, did you have a sword of jesus?
Dad [from down the hall]: We have lots of cheese in the top drawer of the fridge!
As I basted the turkey, I swear I heard it say “just not in my hair”
“Let’s see what the internet says, shall we?”
-my kids, fact checking me
stop it stop it don’t cook him stop
My diet this week consisted of 6 cheat days
As I sail away from the Island of Lollipops, never to return, tears well in my eyes and I wave goodbye to each and every lollipop, the only friends I have ever known. “So long, suckers,” I whisper through trembling lips
When you can’t find your friend Neil
How long do you think Samara from The Ring has been waiting for someone else to watch that videotape now?
Guy across the road can’t get his truck started. Now he’s rolled up his sleeves. That’s how you start trucks. By rolling up your sleeves.
“Ever go to a mall and buy something from the 1st store you stop in? And for the rest of the night you have to carry the bag, watch the bag, remember to pick up the bag after you set it down. It’s kinda like that.”
-me trying to explain to a friend what it’s like to raise a child
Tomorrow is the 4th of July which means one thing, it’s going to be a really big day for nail art Instagram photos.
Your home, like all homes, has an extra light switch that appears to do nothing when flipped. Nevertheless, you pass many idle hours curiously flipping it up and down. Far away, enormous dressage horses spawn out of thin air in my kitchen. Stop flipping the horse switch. Please.
College: You’re a very bright kid and we’d like to offer you a scholarship.
Ian: I’d prefer a scholarcar.
College: We’d like to withdraw our offer.
if u put a disguise on a cow then legally the cow is incowgnito
Taking inventory at a granite warehouse is counter productive.
If you ever see me driving slow it’s because I just dropped whatever I was eating.