i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”
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Anyone want to go on a date with me tomorrow? It’s a house chores date. You come over and help clean the house, gutters included, fix a few things. Car needs detailed too. Then when we’re done you can just ghost me
I just misread genetic as generic. I don’t know whether to blame the poor eyesight I inherited from my dad or these store brand reading glasses.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘golfed’
“May I have it in a sentence please?”
Sure. He golfed with a tee.
“G-O-L-F-T”
People are so fake how can you love your newborn baby when you met it like 2 minutes ago and don’t know anything about it
no no i’m not stressed i just constantly grind my teeth and clench my jaw for fun.
the main reason men’s shirts have those little breast pockets is just in case their gf becomes a worm
I just apologized profusely to a spider as I was killing it. The spider is also Canadian so it said “oh yeah no for sure, it’s ok.”
Exterminators: The only profession in which you put yourself out of business by being really good at your job.
Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.
When I die I want my funeral to be closed casket but like half way thru someone opens the lid and surprise – it’s a nacho bar inside
I entered my Chihuahua in an “ugliest dog” contest and I won first place!
The dog came third.
A chia pet tampon so you can have a lil sheep for your troubles.
Fun bible fact: No records exist of Jesus’ life from age 12 to 30 because he was backpacking across Europe with his pet Pterodactyl
WIFE: I said not to get a pet snak-
ME: Secretary.
WIFE: What?
ME: He’s not a pet. He’s Secretary of Snake.
WIFE: …Please don’t tell me his nam—
ME: Kenny Hissinger.
I’m in my late 40s raising a teenage son, tween son and toddler daughter of course my house is basically a frat house with glitter
My memory is pretty bad until I’m pissed off, and then you are in for quite the surprise.
Having a teenager is fun because the voice in my head that questions everything I do now has a friend
If you leave our home after a visit we will stand on the porch and wave until you drive out of sight because that’s how we were raised, by maniacs.
Me: I want cozy pajama pants for Christmas.
Him: I was gonna get lingerie.
Me: Trust me. VS won’t have your size.
Him:
Me: *jazz hands*
getting really tired of taking a girl out for drinks, then dropping by her house on the following day and being told by her mum “you must have the wrong house” [motioning to a black-and-white photograph of my date from the night before] “Sarah died thirteen years ago last night.”
I noticed my wife and kids were wearing vests so I put one on just so I could say “vest day ever” like a million times. Then I took it off just so I could mention that I wasn’t as invested as they were.
Me: A coworker called me ‘Papa Hemingway’ today.
Her: Because of your beard?
Me: Well it wasn’t because of my Nobel in Literature.
Co Worker: I’m a workaholic.
Me: Oh. My. God. He’s been drinking Workahol!!
If a necromancer isn’t someone who gives you hickies, then I’m not interested.
Me: *joins a throw pillow of the month club*
Husband: *cries*
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
Me: hold on are you—
roommate who just painted a Bansky on our kitchen wall:
Me:—Bob Ross?
I’ve never been kidnapped and tortured but I have been forced to go to the store before Christmas and gotten stuck behind someone buying 25 gift cards.
Day 3 of quarantine: I haven’t showered for weeks
@funTweeters I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers