@SnellWarren

I’ve always sucked at math! How many people should there be in a relationship?

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@blairgarner

To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, “Here, just fill this out.” ?

@bazecraze

If you’re thinking of getting a hairless cat, go the extra mile and get a catless cat.

@torrami

A baby came out of my stomach and I was all “weird, I don’t remember eating that…”

@noog

Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.

@paulblue23

Grandma found out I’m single so I have roughly an hour to find a gf or Ill be getting the ‘have you thought about being a priest’ talk again

@abhorrent_wife

I won’t believe Johnny Depp is engaged until I’ve seen he’s put a ring, 90 bracelets, 7 scarves, a fedora and an ugly pair of glasses on it.

@IamEnidColeslaw

my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me

@fightforfood

I’m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of shit, but she broke into someone’s house and just started eating their breakfast.