@SnellWarren
@blairgarner To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, “Here, just fill this out.” ?
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@blairgarner 
@bazecraze If you’re thinking of getting a hairless cat, go the extra mile and get a catless cat.
@chuchugoogoo the most dangerous dog breed is probably the Crime Lab
@torrami A baby came out of my stomach and I was all “weird, I don’t remember eating that…”
@JordanCantEven_ The greatest ending to a video game to ever exist.
@noog Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
@paulblue23 Grandma found out I’m single so I have roughly an hour to find a gf or Ill be getting the ‘have you thought about being a priest’ talk again
@abhorrent_wife I won’t believe Johnny Depp is engaged until I’ve seen he’s put a ring, 90 bracelets, 7 scarves, a fedora and an ugly pair of glasses on it.
@IamEnidColeslaw my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me
@fightforfood I’m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of shit, but she broke into someone’s house and just started eating their breakfast.