@SnellWarren

I’ve always sucked at math! How many people should there be in a relationship?

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@SteveKoehler22

My mother always cooked with wine
while I was growing up back home.

Occasionally she would even add
some to whatever she was cooking.

@Chloestylo

Did you know that nuns have to eat a banana with a knife and fork?

@emilyhughes

Seems like an opportune time to resurface my favorite interview moment

@pleatedjeans

Best way to get a girl to come home with you is to tell her you own 3 lava lamps seriously what girl wouldn’t want to see 3 lava lamps

@krissywillbretz

Brain: stop eating!
Me: why
B: you’ll get fat
M: so?
B: there’s only enough vodka to catch a buzz on an empty stomach!
M: oh *stops eating*

@NintenDom

I bet the first guy to pee on someone’s jellyfish sting was NOT trying to help them.

@murrman5

[robber waving gun around in bank] nobody move a muscle
[me making eye contact with him then to the popsicle in my hand then back to him]

@roxiqt

You can lead a horse to water but I don’t know why you’d want to do that when there are infinitely cooler places to hang out with a horse. Take them out dancing. Go rock climbing. Change it up. Don’t let things get dull. Part of love is constantly surprising each other.

@AnniemuMary

Objects in motion tend to resent objects on the couch not in motion.

@dadinabearsuit

The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.