I’ve always taught my children that no matter what race or religion, all good looking people deserve respect.
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DON’T make this weird…
(I whisper in your ear, as I pet your eyebrows)
I can’t get mad when I hear babies screaming in public because honestly, I feel the same way sometimes.
Dogs are like babies, you can’t actually tell people theirs is ugly.
Oh you’re single? Awesome, we should probably let your wife know.
Piss someone off by calling their dojo a karate store.
“Does this hurt?”
“YES!”
“What about this?”
“OW!”
*Dr. writes notes*
“Patient shows symptoms of pain when stabbed with knife. Keep updates.”
Things I have in common with an avocado:
-If I’m just on my own I’m pretty bland
-I swing drastically and unpredictably from too hard to too soft
-I’m pleasant for only a very brief window of time
-I’m often found with chips
…u ok Nintendo?
What the hell happened here.
I love how you changed “Conclusions” to “Learnings” in my PowerPoint. Any other made-up words I should add?
People will read 50 Amazon reviews before buying a pair of headphones but won’t think twice about taking drugs they bought from someone they only know as “the guy.”
I’m so disappointed when I help my kid with her homework and she brings it home marked incorrect.
When asked if I was good with my hands I said “sure, I guess, but sometimes i’m naughty with them too”
Never forget when I saw CHILD’S PLAY (2019) at a drive in theater on a screen directly next to the one playing TOY STORY 4 and the pure horror on the kids faces when they would look over and see the toys absolute BUTCHERING people
Flat Earthers must lose their minds when they realize it’s called the atmosphere and not the atmoflat
My first wife and I split on good terms. I know this because, when I announce the split on FB, she was the first to click LIKE.
Husband: “Did you eat the last cookie?”
Me: “The kids did.”
H: “Are you sure?”
Me: “What am I 5? I told you I didn’t eat it.”
H: ” Hey kids, did mommy eat the last cookie?”
Kids: “Yeah, and she ate it in the bathroom so we couldn’t get it.”
[Ouija board in Starbucks]
“Speak to me spirits”
O M G H A V E U S E E N W H A T K R I S T Y I S W E A R I N G
G R O S S
[hearing that someone has died]
oh no that guy hated dying
Them: Go big or go home
Me, 30 mins later, in my bed: This is nice
I exercise by running up the street knocking on all the doors.
Jehovah’s fitness.
Me, bright eyed, eager to follow the rules:
should I remove my necklace?TSA agent: … what… is it.
Me, smiling hard, too awake, excited to share:
It’s a tiny harmonica!TSA agent:
*closes eyes for a long time, her weariness meant for an entire generation.* JUST GO.
Me: My heart is full.
Cardiologist: Yes, that’s the problem.
They say that unless you remember history you are destined to repeat it.
-I say to myself every time I think about cutting bangs.
In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.
The reason I switched from a backpack to a messenger bag is so that I look more classy and professional carrying nothing but snacks to work.
The most frustrating thing I’ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.
The “unfortunate” hair singe “accident” of ‘09 is why I’m no longer allowed near the grill.
*adjusts sunglasses, sips wine*
Me: I’m not interested in you that way
Them: Which way?
Me: Pick one
My favorite part of yesterday was when the cashier at Whole Foods couldn’t price an item & said “Here just take it I hate this fuckin place”