I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one at auction today.
I’ve had him about an hour now.
Anyway….. Monkey for Sale.
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Whenever I hear a lady in the next stall trying to unwrap a tampon as quietly as possible I yell, “HEY, IS THAT CANDY? CAN I HAVE SOME?”
11: Why are cars delivered by ships called cargo but in a car it’s called a shipment?
Me: no more YouTube before bed.
Me: (sees turtle) goddamnit I envy your affordable housing.
My Alexa only responds when I’m shouting.
Welcome to the family, Alexa.
*sits gf down*
i am about to ask you a big question. if you dont know the answer then thats ok… *clears throat* where is the space jam dvd
Not really sure why I have a Google Home, it’s only inadvertently used by people on my TV.
If I were Noah, I’d be grabbing two of every bottle of alcohol
Doctor: we saved your dad but he’s part owl now
Son: Dad it’s me
Dad: *head turned 180°* who
Son: very funny
Doctor: yeah he has amnesia too
For $5 I’ll comment on your exes new relationship status saying “you gave me herpes!”
*Looking to buy a house*
ME: So, tell me about the neighborhood.
REALTOR: Great school district, very safe neighbo…
ME: No, I mean like the bars.. Are the bars close to here and do I need an Uber or can I just walk to them? What are their happy hour specials like?
Finally had ‘The Talk’ with my kids last night.
Told them some animals eat their young, so they’d better get their shit together before dinner
[boys at work talking sports]
Them: what’s your favorite sport
Me: yeah
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
ME: You have a bigger piece of avocado.
HUSBAND: No, but you can take mine.
ME: Yes you do, but I’m fine.
HUSBAND: Are you sure?
ME: Yes.
HUSBAND: *almost takes a bite*
ME: (sighs)
HUSBAND: Seriously, do you want this?
ME: I said I’m fine. Eat your giant avocado.
Actually, it’s illegal to be upset if you make a date on Halloween and they ghost you.
You ever not fold your laundry for so long by the time you get around to it, none of the baby clothes fit the baby anymore?
[plane]
“Is there a doctor on board?”
Im a doctor
“Okay quick the passenger is having a heart att-
Of fine arts
“What?”
Doctor of Fine Arts
I got a Ouija board tattooed on my back to trick ghosts into giving me massages.
Falling in love is like diving into a tin of marshmallows, then hitting your head on the bottom.
Start letting police dip their finger in the drugs and have a taste like in the movies. Recruiting problems solved.
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.
A dog or a baby can only survive about 6 seconds in a closed car with the air conditioner off in July; an annoying fly, 2 weeks.
“Oh you have a hot tub? You never mentioned it” said no one ever.
I had the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
Toy designer: a remote control car that’s rechargeable!
Executive: But how will we still make this awkward for parents who buy them for their kids?
TD: oh.. we’ll just make it so you still need batteries for the controller
I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.
Him: Can I have a bite of your dessert?
Me: I think we should see other people.
Tried to make jokes on this plane about the other passengers’ carryon bags, but they went over their heads
“I need help at the copier”
“Is your document all ready to go?”
“Yes.”
I then wait by the copier as she spends several minutes sequencing a couple dozen pages and filling out a form. To be fair, by “ready” maybe she meant the cellulose pulp had already been converted into paper.
*my wife catches me in bed looking at an optical illusions book* HONEY, NO IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE