i’ve always wanted to be a whistleblower but unfortunately i don’t know anything
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Hope my marriage can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.
[in bed]
gf: I thought we could experiment with toys
me: fine, but not my buzz lightyear
Nurse: What happened to your FINGERS?
Me: You know those chefs who cut up vegetables real fast?
N: Yes?
M: I can’t do that.
My first day in hell I accidentally bump into the meteor that killed the dinosaurs in the cafeteria. Everyone gasps. Satan drops his fork.
Don’t open your heart to me. I’ll just put peanut butter in there.
Turns out there are very few midnight trains and “Anywhere” isn’t an option, you have to pick an actual destination.
Always give 100%
unless you’re donating blood.
Coming soon to NBC: She’s a lawyer who, you guessed it, doesn’t play by the rules. And he’s a doctor who, right again, pees sitting down.
It’s like my Grandma always says, “I died three years ago. This is starting to get weird.”
ME: Who’s my little sex kitten?
HER: *slowly pushes me off bed*
ME: [from floor] That’s right baby.
My husband gives people the thumbs down instead of flicking them off from the car. He reports that the thumbs down makes people even more mad.
Me: oh yeah, obviously I want to keep it casual, too
Also me, a year after it ends: *crying to a David Gray song in my car*
God inventing the fox: How’s about a dog… but sexy?
Neo is 57-years-old he’s definitely taking the blue pills.
#WhenIWasYourAge: We had to open all doors by ourselves. None of them knew we were coming.
A drop of roof water hit my face and I reacted like it was liquid herpes.
me: but “greetings” is a greeting
jimmy kimmel: do you honestly not understand that we can’t just say “conversations” back and forth for ten minutes
bully: [grabs journal] what’s this? “tweet ideas”?
me: hey give that back 🙁
[he opens it and the only entry reads “hobo is short for homeless boneless”]
Me, trying to be quiet walking through the house this morning:
My knees and ankles: “Let me sing you the song of my people!”
Before you commit to a dog name, go outside at 6:30 AM with no bra on and see how it feels begging that name to poo.
Me: Being a stay-at-home parent is so filling!
Her: You mean fulfilling, right
Me: (stuffing my face with goldfish crackers) No.
Guy at the Acme Corporation: Ah, some dog in Arizona wants to buy a rocket launcher. I’ll send him a really shitty one
peter parker: i’m broke i need a job
mary jane: well you invented web shooters, spider-tracers, web wings…
peter: yes! that’s it
mary jane: ya just patent your inventio-
peter: i’lll take pictures of myself and sell them to a newspaper
Pretty sure my last words will be something along the lines of, “just cut the moldy part off; I’m not wasting good cheese!”
I drink coffee because I don’t think I would do well going to prison for murder.
My pants had a harsh talk with me this morning and said enough is enough or they’re going to split
Her: Do you wanna do it?
Me: Do what?
Her: It.
Me: What’s it?
Her: You know… It.
Me: Oh… I call first player.
Her: Wait, what?
kidnapper: [on the phone] pay the ransom to get your son back
dad: oh god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: son listen money doesn’t grow on trees
this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?
Sensei: you have learned much, my child
Nonsensei: flamingos are extremely inconsiderate