“I’ve an appointment with Dr Patel.”
“Dr Patel is off sick today so-”
[slowly backs away & whispers]
“U people can’t even help yourselves.”
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Anyone else ever hit the pizza button on the microwave and hope that pizza would be there?
A friend said she thinks she should buy her teen a chastity belt. I said try perming her bangs, that worked well for me when I was younger.
I was jumping on the trampoline with my son and now my neighbour won’t stop mowing his lawn next to the fence
I’m boycotting the Olympics because I just heard some sort of misinformation campaign claiming the last Winter Olympics held in 2018 was four years ago.
ME: I’ll have the burger.
WAITER: And how do you like your burger?
ME: I don’t know. You haven’t brought it to me yet.
Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.
I just saw a skunk and a possum walking through my backyard and i of course assume they’re off on some kind of adventure
*puts to and to together*
*blesses the rains down in Africa*
Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin…no matter how epic it is
Dogs are the most loyal, protective creatures on the planet unless someone near you has food and then lol you’re on your own.
My ex can’t take his new girlfriend to basketball games because she gets pissed when the whole stadium makes fun of her by yelling REBOUND!
BILLION DOLLAR IDEA
A giant cinnamon roll that you sleep in, that becomes warm and edible when it’s time to wake up
Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.
Day 4: They suspect nothing.
📸:
*sees a bug in my apartment*
me: *yells at the spiderweb in the corner*
WHAT THE SHIT, FRANK?! WE HAD A DEAL
Google maps: in 2,000 feet, turn left
Me: I have no idea how far that is
Google: in 8 furlongs…
Me: no
Google: in 1.6 billion picometers…
Me: ugh
When a cop asks if I know why they pulled me over, I worry I’ll confess to a crime spree. That’s crazy tho, so I laugh and say, ‘probably because I let you’.
Want followers? Tweet something funny.
Can’t think of anything? Tweet something honest.
Can’t say anything honest or funny?
Try Facebook.
*breaks into museum*
*sprays fine mist to show alarm lasers*
*plays a sweet jam on boombox*
*krumps right into each beam*
Cop: Do you think you can identify the deceased?
Me *nodding* I bet it’s the dude over there with no head
Doctor, seeing scratch on my arm: oh geez, do you have a cat?
Me: …a daughter.
Honestly, guys. I’ve got a fox stuck in my washing machine. WHAT THE ACTUAL FOX
There’s 2 types of people in this world, people who give 110%, and the people who passed 4th grade math.
Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe
And the cat’s in the cradle so the baby must be at the pet groomer’s, this is a terrible mix-up.
Me: You should do that sexy thing you did a few weeks ago more often.
Her: When I was dancing in my panties?
Me: No…Cooking
I’m really sorry you figured out my tweet was directed squarely at you, person I’ve never interacted with or thought about before.
I really do like you, but I only share my alcohol with people I really like.
Me muttering when my husband takes a sip of my drink.
My secret to making condoms more comfortable is telling men how badly I want a baby