Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.

every cat falls into one of the following categories:
• looks like it knows how to use a sword but refuses to teach you
• looks like it just finished eating an éclair

When asked by the creepy guy at the bar “Why aren’t you smiling?” my go-to answer is always “My yeast infection really is bubbling up.”

Friend: You’re so calm and quiet lately- I like this peaceful side of you

Me [my brain rotating like an insanely out-of-control taffy machine]: haha thanks

No more eating spaghetti while driving and this time I mean it.

HEIST MASTERMIND: There’s laser tripwires everywhere, so be careful.
GUY WHO ALWAYS OPENS BAGS OF M&Ms WAY TOO HARD: Got it.

I cannot afford to get my wife a new Lexus for Christmas so I’ll be tying a red ribbon on a pair of Sketchers and setting them in the driveway.

ME: with the vaccines coming i’m feeling hopeful

HER: yeah life might go back to the way it was

ME: ok now i’m bummed again

A ponytail so tight I look 5 years younger and everyone thinks I’ve been smiling all day.

Him: *looking at 6 empty paper towel rolls, maple syrup, spoons, and a tennis racket on the floor*

What happened?!

Me: There was a spider.

Renting a billboard with the word MOIST in giant letters seems like a fantastic way to piss off a lot of people quickly.

[at dinner]

Wife: This is terrible.
Me: Horrible.

Waiter: Hey folks, how’s your food?

(simultaneously)

Wife: Amazing! Me: Fantastic!

Beast: I’ll be like this until someone loves me for who I am

Ugly girl: I’ll love you for who you are

Beast: not you, someone attractive. So I really learn my lesson

HIM: I wanna be more than friends.

ME: You wanna be BEST friends?

I get distracted pretty eas

An Italian engineer was kidnapped in Nigeria.
Demands were sent via email to his family, but they just got deleted as spam.

How many birds do you think you could have on you before you’d panic

Her: Please be on your best behavior.

Me: I assure you that I can meet that standard and still offend pretty much everyone.

I have to fast for 48 hours for my upcoming colonoscopy. My husband is not having a colonoscopy, but he will be fasting for 48 hours as well. He just doesn’t know it yet.

My coworker doesn’t like me which is weird bc her husband does.

Did you hear about the armored car guard who was really surprised to get fired?

He thought he had job security…

It reminds me of the time I walked in on my parents having sex and they tried to convince me they were lying on top of one another to see who was longer.

A Video no one needed, but since I miss saying these things, here is what Product Managers actually do.
Ask & say a bunch of random things to sound smart.

Hope I get hired for my honesty at least if not for my skills 😀

Running your mouth is not cardio.

“you changed” bro i was 15

Me: Still thinks I’m young and hip

Also me: Drives 30 miles in the wrong direction with my turn signal on the entire time

Dogs should be allowed to drive.

“Get a parrot,” they said. “It’ll be fun,” they said. “Get a parrot,” the parrot said. “It’ll be fun,” the parrot said.

ME: You have a bigger piece of avocado.
HUSBAND: No, but you can take mine.
ME: Yes you do, but I’m fine.
HUSBAND: Are you sure?
ME: Yes.
HUSBAND: *almost takes a bite*
ME: (sighs)
HUSBAND: Seriously, do you want this?
ME: I said I’m fine. Eat your giant avocado.

10 just said the 6 words every parent dreads hearing:
‘I need to practice my recorder’