I’ve banged my pinky toe so many times in the past week it has an appointment at the clinic tomorrow for a STD test.
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I don’t think it’s ever happened, but according to my dogs’ reactions, I’m assuming that, some dog, somewhere, at some time, has been sucked into a vacuum cleaner.
One way to tell if what you’re watching isn’t really news is if the person is shouting at you.
DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok
There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who divide everybody into two kinds of people, and those who don’t.
I don’t always make my order as complicated as possible, just when the server is showing off by not writing it down.
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: OH NO
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
My son turns 3 in two weeks and has zero interest in potty training. I’m trying one more time and then it’ll be his future wife’s problem.
[2054: We develop cheap cloning technology]
[2055: Restaurant opens where you can have clones of yourself serve cooked clones of yourself]
YOU KIDS GET OFF MY MOAT.
I’m 32 never been married, no kids. Most people my age are married with kids. The older I get it is likely the man I marry will be a divorced dad. Satistically 80% of 2nd marriages with kids end in divorce. So what I’m saying is if you are looking for a 2nd ex wife hit me up.
When an elevator stops on a floor and no one gets on or off, I always think ghost.
Perfect.
If someone gives you sad eyes, give them sadder eyes. You must win this.
Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets
Absolutely noone:
Americans: I took French at school but all I can remember is fromage.
My new SUV has a button that says
“Rear Wiper”.
I’m afraid to push it.
Me, on the phone, in the middle of a story –
my dad: “All right, here’s your mother”
I’m not saying my husband and I are scared of our 3yo, but we just did Rock Paper Scissors to determine who was going to take the baseball bat away from him.
[beside lady with baby]
Her: Smells like someone went poop poop! Does the baby need a change?
Me: *blushing* Yes ma’am.
Accidentally said “No kidding,” instead of “No problem” after someone thanked me for helping them today, if anyone knows of a nice bridge I can leap from.
BARTENDER: how do you take it?
ME: personally
Man sheep: thanks for coming out tonight.
Lady sheep: *blushing* thanks for asking me.
Man sheep: *opening door* you’re going to love this place. It’s All Ewe Can Eat.
According to this Ancestry DNA test, I’m 40% caveman. Thanks, Flintstones vitamins.
mechanic: i’m gonna have to replace your brakes
me: with what
[Date arrives wearing a turtleneck]
Him: What should we do?
Me: May as well just go ahead and dump my body in the woods right now.
Stop = Hammer time
Full stop = Grammar time
I think this was a scene from “The Birds”
Went jogging and came back after 2 minutes because I forgot something.
Forgot Im out of shape and can only jog for 2 minutes.
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
Wow, this is a really nice sturdy box, I should keep it in the attic for the next 20 years.