I’ve banned my kid from his X Box today so he’s gone to a barn on the outskirts of town to dance out his frustrations.
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Avril Lavigne: He was a boy. She was a girl. Can I make it any more obvious?
Me: Yes you could. That is incredibly vague.
ME{from upstairs}: Honey, I’m gonna take a Bublé bath
WIFE: You mean bubble bath, dear
ME: Right
MICHAEL BUBLÉ: Are you getting in or what?
COMPUTER: Your password has expired.
ME: So it’s a passéword.
What do you call a friend who turns a wine glass into a candle holder?
An acquaintance
[creation]
GOD: You each have a gift
WORM: What’s mine?
G: You…spin silk
BEE: How bout me?
G: Uh…make honey
HIPPO: And me?
G: Hm…eat marbles
My kids said parenting is easy so I let them put the toddlers socks and shoes on and now everyone is crying.
Wife: The kids opened the “private” drawer in my nightstand.
Me: THE drawer?
Wife: Yeah.
Great. There go our Oreos.
New Joker looks like he has the Memento disease and needs a bunch of tattoos to remind him he’s the Joker.
Me: It just feels like you’re holding me to outdated standards
My mum: Oh? Let’s see if my grandkids agree OH NO WAIT
Hello My Friends…
Travel this week will keep me busy. So, No I’m not ignoring you while I dance with cats. Patience please.
Her: Stop being so territorial.
Me: *peeing a circle around her* I have no idea what you mean.
I don’t need extravagant gifts for Valentine’s Day.
The only gift I need is for someone to come over & do my laundry.
Wife: your birthday is coming up so don’t buy yourself anything for the next month
Me: ok I won’t.
[mini-horse walks through the kitchen]
Wife:
Me: starting now.
I have to get Rosetta stoned to figure out what my pothead sister is texting me.
Boyfriend walked into the bathroom as I was taking a tampon out.
He screamed: PLEASE SAY IT ISN’T LIT! I DON’T WANNA GO OUT LIKE THIS!
Jesus loves you.
But only as a friend.
How do you tell someone that they’re not smart enough to manipulate you, without hurting their feelings?
Friend: what are your 2018 resolutions?
Me: I didn’t even make 1, let alone 2018 of them
The leather seats in your car waiting for you to wear shorts on a hot day
Nancy by Ernie Bushmiller 5-6-57
[lying on the couch, one leg hanging off the side, face and shoulder smashed against the arm, other leg and one of my hands completely asleep] well as long as the cat is comfortable
“There’s a creepy bleeding witch who doesn’t look friendly. She has cheese though.”
– my husband, deciding whether to interact with a character in a video game
Elliott didn’t care about E.T. He just wanted a flying bike.
Why do I always zone out when the server reads back my order? They could be saying “lobster dinners for everyone in the restaurant” and I’d say yeah.
Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?
It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.
you’ve never seen climate change and peppa pig in the same room have you.
4: Mom, how long was dad inside you?
Me:
4: Mom???
Me: What the f-
4: Well??? How long was he inside you before you had him?
Me: Oh honey no I didn’t birth your dad, grandma did!
Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
ME: let me try a yo-yo trick
DOCTOR: *cutting my child’s umbilical cord* no