I’ve become obsessed with the idea that Jesus was a terrible guitarist but no one told him to stop because they were afraid of his dad.
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Him: How many people do you think he killed in that movie?
Me: What am I? John Wickipedia?
Him: Not funny.
Of course I regularly eat international cuisine. Only last week I had cyrillic alphabetti spaghetti.
Danke for calling Germany.
To order beer, press 1.
To order weapons, press 2.
To order philosophy, press 1 until it resembles a 2.
1st time waking up my teen: *rubs back* Hey buddy, time to get up.
2nd time: *shakes him* It’s been 5 minutes. Get up.
3rd time: *rips blanket off* Get up NOW!
4th time: *rage breathing* YOU’RE LATE!
My teen: *dramatically sits straight up* WHY DIDN’T YOU WAKE ME SOONER?!
Michael Cera, too timid to send his food back even though he’s allergic to almonds, eats a meal and politely goes into anaphylactic shock.
My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.
I may have told my children they can get whatever they want at the store but I have the right as their mother to veto the first 864 things they pick out.
I’d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, ice dispenser..
Before we have sex, please select every image that contains a bicycle.
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: What is it that you are both most fearful of?
WIFE: I just…[sobbing]…don’t want the kids to suffer
ME: Eels
Ladies, if you receive flowers with no card on them today they’re from me.
*cries over spilt milk*
*cries under spilt milk*
*cries adjacent to spilt milk*
*cries immediately to the left of spilt milk*
*cries diagona
ME: I need you to look at my balls, doc *removes pants*
DR: Ok what seems to be the problem?
ME: *swivels hips sensually* Nuthin
*takes off hat*
“I’m afraid I have some bad news ma’am”
*puts on her hat*
“I’ve stolen your hat”
I like to use the Ouija board to pester my dead husbands.
I fully support any type of marriage that doesn’t involve me.
doctor: how often do you exercise
me: does sex count
doctor: yes
me: twice a day
doctor: with other living ppl?
me: why would you specify living
doctor: just answer
me: no I don’t exercise
You don’t have to buy high thread count sheets. Just buy cheap sheets and use them for 20 years. Like butter, I tell you.
I wish had the patience of a former coworker who would peel her strawberries
how long are you supposed to age potato salad in the sun?
“I’M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN!”
Brain: LOL
Empty bottles: LOL
Wine shop owner: LOL
New bottle: LOL
Bottle opener: LOL
Liver: LOL
Me: LOL
The plot thickens.
Mostly because my grave digger had no idea just how fat I was.
Irony walks into a bar the same time as a Coincidence. The bartender asks what they want? “Not to be confused with each other.”
I started writing a joke about Harry Houdini. But the punchline escaped me.
The year 4542, artifacts are discovered from our once flourishing civilization. “Looks like they worshiped apples.” said one archeologist.
The Sun’s definitely gay. No straight celestial body hugs you with rays of warm light.
Nancy by Ernie Bushmiller 5-6-57
so amazing how my parents found each other even though they were from opposite ends of the eyebrow spectrum
Hospital Administrator: And how will you be paying?
Me: *Has no insurance* Dearly.
You know it’s time for a pedicure when you can exfoliate one foot with the other one