I’ve been asked to stop using “finger-licking good” as an adjective at work.
Must be a covid thing.
You Might Also Like
My mom is coming over to watch the Super Bowl so at least I won’t be the only one here asleep by halftime.
Today I have learnt – if you try and give someone the finger whilst wearing mittens, you are basically just showing them your mittens.
Why is it PIZZERIA and not PIZZARIA?
– my brain at 2:00 am
She gets stoked after reading:
“Big strapping boxer” on dating siteBut soon discovers he’s a 475 lb.
guy working in shipping at Amazon.
When a really horrible person dies I always like to think of it as them being recalled.
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.#1PUN
Dating is great to find the perfect partner for couples therapy
My kid was mad at me and said, why don’t you CROCHET!?? and it made me laugh…and made her madder.
My dog is always so happy to see me in the morning. I’m sure it’s 90% because I’m letting him out to pee but that other 10% is all me.
Interviewer: Tell me about your future plans.
Me: You mean, like, just tomorrow, or for, like, the whole weekend?
The coolest thing ever would be someone writing a song about you. Unless in the song they called you a “roly-poly little bat-faced girl.”
(1st day in heaven)
Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF
I can’t find anything in my job description about being awake
If a burglar broke in, my dog would lick their face. But bubbles, on the other hand…
People:
I’m leaving Twitter, no telling when I’m coming ba…
I’m back.
Doctor: Your son is lactose intolerant
Me: Oh my god
[later that day]
Me [runs into field and punches a cow]: That’s for inventing milk
The last layer of skin finally grew back on the roof of my mouth from the Hot Pocket I ate in 1987.
I think the only job requirement you need to become a TSA agent, is to know how to do a really good eye roll while you’re chewing gum.
GOOD COP: I’m going to read you your rights
BAD COP: I’m going to beat a confession out of you
CENTRIST COP: you both make some good points
Yes, I have been awake since 5am. Just not a “productive member of society” level of awake. For that you need to wait until about 11:30am when I will wash up 5 mugs & send an email. Then I’ll get hungry & we’re back to square one.
5,”So we don’t get to open any presents today?”
Me, “No.”
5, “So basically Thanksgiving is just Christmas for your tummy, right?”
Today:
– do what I bloody well please
– hurl insults in iambic pentameter
– sexy bacon eating
– ale
– archery
– ladies
– enjoy the little things (like violent mood swings)
– pies
Shake what your momma gave you.
*shakes unemployed brother*
Sorry man, I wasn’t trying to kiss you. You just had melted cheese stuck in your beard and I couldn’t help myself
1996: Why do they call the internet “the web”
20 years later, trapped & unable to leave: Oh
[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl
“Age is just a number”
…so is your credit score, your weight, the balance in your bank account
Sometimes when I’m about to sneeze, I snort some glitter. Then when I finally sneeze, glitter fills the air and people think I’m a wizard.
Couples therapist: So what brought you here today?
Me: An uber haha
Wife: omg this is what I’m talking about!
Couples Therapist: Yes
Wife: He’s hilarious but useless in bed
I’ll never understand people who talk on the phone in a public restroom, because even if you aren’t planning on flushing at some point, I am.