I’ve been buying men’s hoodies for years for myself. It’s all about skipping the middle man.
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The perfect label doesn’t exi-
If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook…
It’s your own fault for not making it offensive enough!
“I’m afraid you need to keep shoes on in the library.”
“Or else?”
“You’ll be asked to leave.”
“I don’t care.”
“Also I will summon the power to disappear the sun from the sky for several minutes.”
“Fine, I’ll put ’em on.”
“Thanks. …I uh, I may do the sun thing anyway, just FYI.”
boss: you’re late
me: I broke down on the way here
boss: did they tow your car?
me: car?
[grocery store, frozen aisle]
Me: *inhales, stretches arms high*
OmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmClerk: ma’am are you doing yoga?
Me: oh no, I’m just trying to reach dinner peas
Arrogant Co-Worker: Do you have any idea how many years of education I have?
Me: Don’t feel bad, I got held back a couple of times myself.
Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.
im about to go on a date. im sure it will be perfectly normal and wont go viral or anything…
“Ah, Mr Bond, I-”
*closes laptop lid and pulls up trousers*
“-wasn’t expecting you.”
[picking up a pile of things from one room] cleaning is fun! [throwing it into a room I’m in less] and Easy 🙂
You wouldn’t know her, she goes to a different pandemic.
The atoms that make up your body are ancient things, recycled over millions of years. You are made of stars, and also dead raccoons.
she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay
I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.
“Terrible twos” is such a misleading phrase. It makes it sound like other ages are better.
Thomas Jefferson’s dad’s name was Thomas Jefferdad. Really makes you think
15000 CCTVs 2b installed in Delhi 4r Obama’s visit.
This is ridiculous. Just because he’s black doesnt mean he’ll steal anything. Racists!
one of
*shaking fist, cursing my blood enemies* May it rain hard on your school poster project due date. And…and…May your magic marker block letters run!
What I say:
Get dressed
Brush teeth
Get in the carWhat my kids hear:
Have a snack
Shriek like monkeys
Open 3 umbrellas indoors
Go poop
If only the door of my car had a warning light for when it was getting low on takeout napkins.
People on social media: Look at me! Look at what I’m eating! Give me attention!
People in cars: Why would anyone care that I’m about to turn?
Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.
A haunted house where they make you look at your checking account balance.
If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?
*growing up in a family of six kids*
Love you dad!
Dad:
Homosexuality was classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979 — Swedes protested by calling into work sick, saying they “felt gay.”
I only took my daughter to work with me once when she was little.
She cried cos she was expecting to see all the clowns I said I worked with.
No matter how good your raspberry body wash smells, don’t be tempted to drizzle it over your ice cream. I’ve been burping bubbles for days.
Our former nanny is pregnant and while I’m happy for her I’m mostly just relieved that my kids didn’t ruin her desire to be a parent