I’ve been called a “female comic” so many times, I’ll probably only be able to answer to “girl daddy” when I have children.
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“If we don’t know a word for something, why can’t we just make one up?” he remarked confusatorily.
Today is the birthday of Erwin Schrödinger, best known for being the world’s worst cat sitter.
Tom’s of Maine is a really good deodorant to buy if you don’t mind spending a little extra to smell like you don’t use deodorant.
Teacher: You’re gonna need this in 20 years, so pay attention.
Me: Why not teach us something practical like how to balance our checkbook or do our taxes?
Teacher: Listen, if you don’t come across someone buying 30 watermelons at the supermarket, I will be flabbergasted.
Windows: “You may be the victim of software counterfeiting”
no Microsoft,it is you who is the victim of software counterfeiting here, not I
why are we always standing after being corrected? imma have a seat after this devastating defeat thanks
My dad and I both have a gift for figuring out who the villain is in super hero movies we’ve already watched
Sometimes I find myself feeling hopeful for the future of the human race but then I remember there are grown men who like My Little Pony.
INSURANCE REP: I’m afraid you’re going to need more coverage
ME: sorry I couldn’t find my pants this morning
Daughter: I drew a picture of you
Me: where’s my big muscles?
Daughter: *looks at me up and down* good question
I was bitten by a crow, since then I’ve had the proportionate strength, speed, and agility of a guy who is bleeding from the head a bit
I almost just turned down a beer.
Calm down, I said almost.
Nothing like suddenly seeing a spider on the ceiling to make you realize you don’t need a nap anyway.
Elon Musk Unveils Plan To Put A Meme On The Moon By 2022
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Please, call me Yuri, let’s get right to it, have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Yes, I stole a penny from my mom’s swear jar, it was the Crime of the Cent, Yuri.
BREAKING NEWS: every movie & thing you like is delayed. There. Done.
All of my other appliances think the air fryer is an overachiever. Even the food processor and the blender are bonding over this, and they’ve been enemies for years.
“The curb is just a reverse pothole” I whisper to myself as I hear the wheel scraping against cement.
[a boomerang is thrown at me]
me: oh no holy frickin crap !
[one second later]
me: (toughly) …ok yeah that’s what i THOUGHT
WIFE: Who was at the door?
ME: More carol singers.
HER: What did they sing?
ME: Silent Night
HER: I hope you didn’t t-
ME: I twerked.
Forever Alone Barbie: Comes with 20 cats, and a Twitter account. Alcoholism and debilitating depression not included.
I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.
Been walking like an Egyptian and need to visit a Cairopractor.
Marriage vows should include “I will be super annoyed with you any time you come down with a cold”
15000 CCTVs 2b installed in Delhi 4r Obama’s visit.
This is ridiculous. Just because he’s black doesnt mean he’ll steal anything. Racists!
*hannibal lecter’s shopping list*
fava beans
a nice chianti
dave
Hey all you parents who recently named your kid Jax
We get it you’re unoriginal and watch SOAHold on my daughter Grey’s Anatomy is crying
If you’re looking for ideas, a family bike ride is another fun way to sit and listen to your kids complain for an hour.
If you disagree with someone, just slap them with a fish.