@tkhan74

I’ve been calling my wife “honey” for 12 years because I don’t know how to tell her I forgot her name.

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@mc_funbags

I’m exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I’m slurring my words.

@ch000ch

hoarder on TV: pls help me doc
therapist: of course. lets start by throwing out all these anime posters. we’ll take them to my car

@LizerReal

Once I surprised my husband with a murder mystery weekend, and not to brag, but it only took him an hour to get drunk and accuse everyone at our table of being the murderer.

@Reverend_Scott

[Glass slipper fits on ugly girl with same shoe size as Cinderella]

Prince Charming: Um… well. Tell ya what, I’m gonna keep on looking.

@MrBikferd

Guys: when you’re shaving, do the Hitler part first. You don’t want to get interrupted and then be running around with just the Hitler part.

@TeaAndCopy

[Putting petrol in car]
19.95
19.96
19.97
[stops]
[gently now]

19.98

[very gently]

19.99

[ok, once more]
[deep breath]

37.83

GODDAMMIT

@SumukhComedy

Every Liam Neeson movie now is just him talking on the phone then killing people, right?