I’ve been calling my wife “honey” for 12 years because I don’t know how to tell her I forgot her name.
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My 9yo just asked me: if I fail a test was it me who did bad or the teacher? 🤯
If your partner keeps saying “we need to refine our packages” on their zoom you’re left with no option but to text “I’ll refine your package” causing him spray his coffee in front of everyone.
The pilgrims ate so much at the first Thanksgiving that they had to unbuckle their hats.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
Titanic (1997)
A woman cheats on her rich fiancé with a homeless guy & then throws a giant diamond into the ocean like a big stupid dummy.
I’m totally against race mixing–I mean how can these horses seriously compete in NASCAR
I hate it when my kid beats me in an argument, like this morning when I told her Oreos aren’t breakfast food and she countered with, “of course not, they’re the snack before breakfast”
[God inventing pain]
God: This is how humans will know they need to heal physically.
Angel: But how will they know if they need emotional healing?
God [inventing Linkin Park]: worry not
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
Are we sure this new planet isn’t just Pluto wearing a wig?
they should have called it “Checkmate” instead of “Tinder”
And now for my next trick, I’ll turn your root canal into a ski vacation
Me: what?
My dentist: what?
Edward norton: what’s your power
Me: I recast avenger characters
Mark ruffalo: wait wut
Text from girlfriend: I love u more than anything else
Me: I love all the letters equally
I imagine if I had a job doing manual labor, I’d be in great shape.
Then I do 15 minutes of manual labor and reality comes back into focus.
I bring my Roomba to parties, so I’m not the most awkward thing moving throughout the room.
I know you’re not supposed to hug the old lady giving out samples at Costco, but the sausage she gave me had cheese inside. Cheese.In.Side.
People say I’m not very responsible, when in fact I’m responsible for “pajama casual” being added to the employee handbook as inappropriate.
I always yell “FORE” when I’m throwing golf clubs out of my car at joggers.
My son graduated preschool last week, so naturally I’m saving all his artwork in the basement so I can give it to him when he’s 37.
“Face my fears?” Lol what am I, brave?
YOU CAN’T BE BOTH A NAZI AND A PROUD AMERICAN.
WE LITERALLY HAD A WAR ABOUT THIS.
THE WHOLE WORLD WAS INVOLVED.
He’s cranky this morning
me: haha isn’t it weird that i own you?
dog: [pauses mario kart] own me at what, exactly.
me:
table: hi
me: *checks dosage*
It’s your choice. Instead of resting bitch face you could call it irritable scowl syndrome.
[the invention of tennis]
“I don’t want this ball.”
“Well, I don’t want it either.”
Nothing worse than a reduced love sausage
i hope my 2 grandmothers dont find out about each other
Me: Just because you don’t have school doesn’t mean you can go without pants.
5yo: I’m just gonna wear these invisible pants.