@mc_funbags I’m exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I’m slurring my words.
@tkhan74 I’ve been calling my wife “honey” for 12 years because I don’t know how to tell her I forgot her name.
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@mc_funbags 
@armyVet1972 The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.
@ch000ch hoarder on TV: pls help me doc
therapist: of course. lets start by throwing out all these anime posters. we’ll take them to my car
@LizerReal Once I surprised my husband with a murder mystery weekend, and not to brag, but it only took him an hour to get drunk and accuse everyone at our table of being the murderer.
@Reverend_Scott [Glass slipper fits on ugly girl with same shoe size as Cinderella]
Prince Charming: Um… well. Tell ya what, I’m gonna keep on looking.
@MrBikferd Guys: when you’re shaving, do the Hitler part first. You don’t want to get interrupted and then be running around with just the Hitler part.
@piyush938 A birth certificate is a basically a baby receipt.
@sharilynj Kudos to NPH for keeping it brief. #Oscars
@TeaAndCopy [Putting petrol in car]
１９.９５
１９.９６
１９.９７
[stops]
[gently now]１９.９８
[very gently]
１９.９９
[ok, once more]
[deep breath]３７.８３
GODDAMMIT
@SumukhComedy Every Liam Neeson movie now is just him talking on the phone then killing people, right?