I’ve been chasing a fly around my apartment for like 20 mins with a rolled up magazine. There’s a really good article I think he should see
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Welcome to your 50’s. It’s 11:40 pm, so this should be your 11th pee of the night.
detective: looks like someone cut the victim open
mortician: that was me
detective: *into wire* we got em
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
[Before 9 was invented]
7: damn I’m hungry
My husband called and said he wants tacos for dinner. We’ve been together for 30 years and I still can’t tell whether or not it’s a euphemism.
[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]
*extended period of silence*
“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”
My favorite body pillow is warm and fluffy and barks if anyone tries to touch me.
Welp, I just ran my car off the road. I was doing the “We Will Rock You” beat with my hands and forgot I don’t have a self-driving car
Sorry I’m late my grocery store rearranged all their aisles 2 years ago
Me: will you wake your sister
4: no that’s way too scary
My children will either grow up with a sarcastic, dark sense of humor or they’ll wind up a serial killer team. Either way, I’m excited that I won’t have to drive them to birthday parties.
friend: you have to stop envying every single person you know when they find success in something you haven’t. it’s destroying your mental health and poisoning your relationships with your friends.
me: (immediately envious of their maturity and clarity of thought) right. totally
5: Whose car is this?
Grandfather: Well, let’s figure it out. I just got here and the car just got here. Whose car do you think it is?
5: Mine.
“we want grandkids” best i can do is graphic design
Unroll wrapping paper.
Shoo cat away
Turn to get gift
Shoo cat away
Get tape
Dammit cat
Get tape
Wrap up cat
Wrap up gift
Pet cat
I hate “save the date” engagement cards. After divorce you should have to send out “hey forget about that one date 6 months ago” cards
I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbor said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said ‘No, six should be enough.’
People use the term lab rat pejoratively even though there is probably no finer life than one dedicated to solving puzzles and eating cheeses.
eek. i forgot hvac guy was in the basement and i have been very aggressively yelling at inanimate objects.
I didn’t survive various alcohol poisoning events in the 90’s just to get taken out by a virus
Mum always told me to wear clean underwear in case I got run over by a bus. I can now tell you from experience that if you do get hit by a bus, your underwear won’t remain clean.
good morning
Got tazed by security for asking why is it called an airport when it’s on the ground.
To err is human… To not know what err means is American.
“will…”
*Starbucks barista squints at name on cup*
“… the Red Slime Shoddy please stand up?”
*Eminem flips table and storms out*
Rose: I’ll never let go
Jack: are you sure aboat that lol
Rose: wow you make a lot of puns, I never noticed before
Jack: does it give you a sinking feeling lmaoo
Rose: maybe you should let go
With regard to that five second rule – do they have to be consecutive seconds?
[marriage counseling]
Wife: I just wish he wasn’t so clingy
Husband: YOU KNEW I WAS A BARNACLE, LINDA
If you take your antidepressant prescription to the pharmacy in your wedding gown while sobbing incoherently, they will fill it instantly.
Lmao