I’ve been chasing a fly around my apartment for like 20 mins with a rolled up magazine. There’s a really good article I think he should see

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tonight at the bar, ask a woman if you can buy her a drink. If she says yes, hand that lucky lady a Starbucks gift card and walk away


No, your baby was definitely crying before I dropped it, that’s why I dropped it.


[waiting for elevator]
Coworker: Hey, how’s it go-
Me: I’ll take the stairs.


cannibals be like “lose 20 pounds in a week” then eat your arm


A “Purge” comedy where two pals accidentally kill someone a week before the purge and try to fake the person’s life until the murder would be legal.


Once, on Twitter, I followed a woman & she followed me back & we laughed & talked about life & how she was a man from Brooklyn…


Me: [Sits down to eat breakfast]

Girlfriend: Babe, you forgot the French Toast

Me: Oh sorry [raises glass] VIVE LA FRANCE!


For the record ladies, your insecurities about your bodies is a bigger turn off to guys than your bodies ever could be.


Anti-carb diets are just radical groups of potato-phobes and spud-judists.


If someone says they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and be like, to be clear, do you know how reading works