I’ve been cutting the chocolate milk with regular milk so it will go further and my kids have never noticed. I would’ve been a really good drug dealer.
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Cashier: Did you find everything?
Me: Did you hide something?
I decided to ignore idiots, now I just need to find something to do with all this spare time.
My mom bought me a bottle of whiskey as a Xmas gift…
She seemed a little upset that I said she should’ve mailed it ahead of her visit.
My kids spent two hours “cleaning” and accomplished literally nothing.
Then I told them they had ten minutes to pick up everything or they were grounded.
Then they finished in eight.
to discover what’s going on with justin bieber we caught up with his manager scooter braun, who is named after two different types of razors
It’s really disturbing how that bear family in those Charmin commercials are so open with each other about shitting.
A bird in the hand is worth nothing. Birds are not an acceptable form of currency.
jeff bezos trying to escape the earth because of a breakup is the most relatable thing he’s done
Do your part as a parent by helping prevent teen pregnancy.
Let your child play the tuba.
Tuba players never get laid.
[after putting a fake mustache on an elephant]
FRIEND: You seen my elephant?
ME: no
FRIEND: [eyeing elephant] Maybe this fine gentleman has
Pretty metal of Betty White to trend every time someone else dies.
Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…
Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.
Momma, I hid my milk!
-A Parenting Horror Story
Any house is an Airbnb if you’re quiet enough
[pulled over]
Cop: Have you been drinking?
Me: No
Cop: *tosses me a sock* Stand on one foot and put this on
Stop saying I’m crazy. You’re starting to sound like the waffle iron.
Slack jaw. Vacant eyes. All symptoms of someone listening to me talk.
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
Bomb squad: sir, please clear the area while we locate the device
Me: did you… did you bring the bomb sniffing dog?
Bomb squad: YOU AGAIN
Congrats to the person that invented the wobbly restaurant table. It’s basically everywhere now.
Friend: you’re so lucky you don’t have a job
Me, a stay-at-home mom, now with one less friend: so lucky
I do not want a robot dog. I do want some sort of high-speed Wi-Fi router mobile hotspot installed in my current dog
*pulls out earbud*
What?
“We need to talk.”
*pulls out earbud*
“You’ve been spending too much time at Chernobyl.”
*pulls out earbud*
No way
Before kids:
[Watching nature documentary]How do some animals just abandon their young like that??
After kids:
[Watching nature documentary][Takes notes]
Deck the halls
Patio the foyer
Balcony the den
Porch the bathroom
Am I doing this right?
I would bring my dog a nice jerky treat from Colorado, but he only eats local, sustainable cat turds.
Her: Did you see that science has developed bed sheets you never have to wash?
Me: Huh. I thought I already owned them.
PREACHER: any prayer requests?
3 DUCKS IN A TRENCHCOAT (from the last pew): do the one about our daily bread
dating me is like dating a golden retriever cuz u will be picking blonde hair off u all day and i get way too excited about everything