I’ve been doing dry January, but it’s literally just been my lips and skin
![]()
You Might Also Like
Me: Go clean your room.
10: No, thanks. It’s not Mother’s Day yet.
Proof of God(s),Anubis spotted in Alberton,South Australia 😲…
![]()
God [making birds]: They are going to start screaming in the morning and wake people up really early.
Angel: Like at 6 AM?
God: Earlier.
Angel: 5 AM?
God: EARLIER
Quarantine sucks in a house that’s haunted because a message suddenly appears in blood saying “YOU USUALLY LEAVE AT 7:45.”
I think I just invented four new yoga poses trying to get a chocolate chip that I dropped under the table.
Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can’t just eat one
*ding*
This is your captain speaking. We… Is this what my voice sounds like? Nobody told me! Haha, wow, weird. We’re out of fuel.
(Over the Ouija board)
-Wheeere have you plaaaced your hoodiees..
Yeah I lift. How many reps will it take to get to the bottom of this bag of chips? Let’s find out
put ur hair in a man-bun. now put ur beard in a man-bun too. congratulations ur now a hamburger. be free, hamburger man.
these can’t be my only options
![]()
If you run into an ex, impress them by pulling out a pocketwatch and saying “I should get back to my factory. I own a factory now.” Start puffing on a big cigar, you’re a fat cat now.
me: oh boy I stained your shirt don’t kill me
murderer: haha yeah that would be an overreaction
If a rookie ever pulls a gun on me and says “stop or I’ll shoot” I‘ll simply smirk and say “not with the safety on”, causing him to check and giving me the time I need to grab a gun, put on a bullet proof vest, do some elite training/conditioning, fire off some practice rounds,
“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”
Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview
Heyyyyyyyyyyyo lol 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣😏🥴🤦♂️🤷♂️
![]()
The downside of having moles on my body is that my wife loves playing Whack-a-Mole.
You can’t change your past but you can change your pasta.
Last Monday I went to the gym and I’m proud to report I’m still en route
[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]
I guess it’s time to shave for summer.
Brain: I’m manifesting abundance.
Body: here’s another chin
*wakes at 3am*
*sits in dark*
*jingles chains & scratches walls*
*waits for everyone to be so creeped out they can’t sleep & we open gifts*
ME: a guy at work broke his jaw and has to eat all his meals through a straw
WIFE: wow that sucks
ME: i know what a straw does linda
me: look, I’m just saying things have gotten really complicated, and I think we need to start over
box of plastic wrap:
PEN SHOP OWNER: *Revealing huge sign with slogan he just created* “The pen is mightier than the sword”
SWORD SHOP OWNER NEXT DOOR: Jesus Christ, Phil, why would you—we’re not even in competing markets!
If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??
i’d rather hurl myself into an active volcano
-me politely declining dates
HEAR YE, MORTALS. AWAKEN FROM THY SLUMBER. FUCKERY DOTH PLAGUE THE LAND. TIS MINE DUTY TO- *falls off barstool*
Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my own problems that I forget there are people having real fights on the internet.
I may not be the hottest woman on Earth but I like my chances up against anyone currently aboard the International Space Station