I’ve been dressing all the chipmunks in my neighborhood up as lil miners but their tiny headlamps are making it too easy for owls to spot them this is a nightmare
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Got in a fight with my neighbor again because I tripped his breaker while using his outdoor Christmas lights as an extension cord for my outdoor Christmas lights.
PHILOSOPHERS: We don’t know how the mind and body are connected
ME (who has a mind and a body): oh no!
Support bacteria
They’re the only culture some people have.
*Running late
*Light turns green but car in front wont go
*About to honk when reads bumper sticker: honk if you love disco
*Is late for work
So we asked papa johns to write a joke on our pizza
Archaeologist 1: she must have died suddenly, a mug of tea was still in her microwave
Archaeologist 2: actually we carbon dated the tea and she died a week afterwards
I bet Jesus got tired of hearing, “This gift is for Christmas AND your birthday.”
*aliens return to ship*
ALIEN LEADER: Where are the humans?
“We left them”
AL: Why?
“They didn’t look anything like their selfies in rl”
Someone’s just thrown a bottle of Omega 3 tablets at me. I only received super fish oil injuries, but still.
Hey kids,
Turns out you *will* need math one day because the 15 almonds you’re allowed to snack on aren’t going to count themselves
– adults
What idiot decided to call them meteorologists and not Storm Troopers
My husband told me today’s Wordle word as soon as I woke up, so he’s up for grabs if anyone’s interested.
What are people in motels doing that they need such a steady and reliable source of ice?
Godzilla’s attack on Tokyo was revenge for the hours he wasted watching Dragonball GT disgrace the legacy of Dragonball Z.
Please don’t ask me to repeat myself I wasn’t listening either
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
“I’m practicing self care” I scream at the buffet waitress as she tries to wrench a whole steam tray full of lobster from my hands
Have you tried locking him in your trunk?
Two types of dogs.
*Packing for a trip*
Maybe I’ll bring my workout gear. I mean I haven’t worked out in 5 years but I might start on this trip.
friend:
There’s this thing that starts around 6PM andme:
I’m already out.
Please send thoughts and prayers to my cats, they shall surely never recover from the sound of the popcorn maker
My 8yo was playing science lab, spilled some concoction on the floor, and made a sign saying “caution: wet floor” instead of wiping it up, parenting is friggin’ ridiculous
[Hiking]
Me: Want some trail mix?
Her: This is just a sandwich bag full of rocks and twig-
Me: All from this trail!
my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking
[job interview]
“So what are your goals for working here?”
To be home by 5
If by cleaning the house you mean did I light a scented candle then yes I cleaned the house
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when my mother-in-law wasn’t getting to the point.
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
Me: [practicing guitar]
Son: Hey, dad-
Me: NOT NOW I’M LEARNING CAT’S IN THE CRADLE