I’ve been getting some anonymous fortune cookies from an angry American — and I think it’s time to give props for creativity…
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Anyone on Twitter, to me: no way are you 46!
Me: Mate. They’re called filters. My real face looks like it slept on a bad pillow.
Guys, don’t ever tell a girl that she’s yummier than a gummy bear, she’ll know it’s not true because nothing is yummier than a gummy bear.
What, tough guy? Come try taking that picture over here, why don’t ya?
If Bear Grylls married Chuck E. Cheese they would be the Grylls-Cheese family.
I’m never marrying anyone else that I find on craigslist.
Me: I love my friends. Their interests? Incredible. Their tastes? Impeccable. I would die for them. If there’s a single thing they asked of me I literally could not possibly hesitate
Friend: Hey check out this cool song
Me: Haha cool maybe
Just once I’d like to see a hostage negotiator aim higher than pizza
Owls are just nocturnal pug birds
NINE MONTHS LATER, A FIRE TRUCK WAS BORN
*possum hospital
Nurse: Get the crash cart?!
Doctor: Give it a minute
I haven’t been to Target since February. I wonder how it’s even staying in business without me.
I accidentally heated my Hot Pocket for 20:00 instead of 2:00 and now there’s a giant radioactive Hot Pocket in my apartment watching my tv
Why do we PARK on a DRIVEway, but my mom’s boyfriend Craig won’t let me call him Dad when we hug?
If you still haven’t found what you’re looking for, check between the sofa cushions.
I’m just saying, no dog has ever ghosted me
Best things to pull:
9 Rank
8 Strings
7 The plug
6 The trigger
5 Your leg
4 Your head out
3 A fast one
2 Yourself together
1 My finger
if i got $5 every time i thought of u i would start thinking of u
Wow, pretty rude for people to exist that are younger & hotter than me but OK
If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.
Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
Please. Do not push me into the pool. The pockets of my cargo shorts are filled with packets of Kraft Mac & Cheese powder.
[Arriving at party]
Host: Why are you wearing only a nappy?
Me: I was told “infancy dress”.
Host: I said “in fancy dress,” you moron!
Why is it when you take a break from Twitter everyone assumes you’re happy and in love…
Maybe I was in jail.
Why are so many men suddenly curious who my father is right in the middle of our lovemaking?
“I think this chlorine is healing my anal fissure.” – Things not to say in a swimming pool. Apparently.
If I were a weatherman, I’d hate it when newsreaders did a story about a flood or a heatwave. I’d come on and do a forecast about crime or the economy just to give them a taste of their own medicine.
wife *comes running out of the bedroom* Kill it! Kill it!
me *runs in*
wife: Did you get it!?
me [has no idea wtf she’s talking about] Yep
“shake what ya momma gave ya!”
*starts shaking low self-esteem*