I’ve been hearing noises in the house for a while now and while Twitter was down last night I discovered I have a wife!
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Asian women look 16 forever and one day out of nowhere look 159 years old.
“Is that a dead body?” I heard a young child ask her mom as they passed me by. So, yeah, skiing is going pretty well.
You think you’re having a bad day? My 7 year old just figured out how to whistle.
To make sure I don’t cheat, my wife got me into cryptocurrency and that’s all I want to talk about with women now.
[internet meet up, 1999]
Maybe I shouldn’t go. They might murder me.
[internet meet up, 2019]
Definitely going. Hopefully they’ll murder me.
Got into a bar fight last night about how to pronounce Steve Buscemi’s name. We later shook hands when Buscemi agreed that I was right
Saying wash your hands
-Mundane
-May go unheard
-Have to beg my kids to do itRequesting the cleansing your portable sandwich fabricators
-Interesting
-An adventure
-Have to beg my kids to do it
Me: if you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine
7-11 Clerk: look man, we’re out of hotdogs, idk what to tell you
Also, those little Swiss Army knives are great when you need a tiny pair of scissors to open your Gummi Bears like some kind of crack head.
I couldn’t take Breaking Bad seriously bc Walter White looked like Ned Flanders.
the human. just got home. i have no idea. where they’ve been. but in their absence. they’ll be proud to see. that i took it. upon myself. to redistribute. all the footwear. i could find. throughout the household. because i decided. that was. my duty
[after a plane crash]
Pilot: are u guys mad at me :/
Daughter: Daddy, why is the moon following us around?
Me: I probably owe it money like everyone else on the planet
Writers of crime show blurbs are lazy. “She was missing and then her case took a shocking turn.”
It’s not shocking. I’m watching a show with murder in the title. I’d be shocked if she grew a third arm and joined the circus, but I’m fairly confident I know what’s up.
*walks up to microphone during wedding reception*
*taps on mic; everyone smiles*
“Anyone that doesn’t want their cake, pass it to me please”
when dads have a rap battle
I don’t know at what age I started dressing like the upholstery of my grandma’s plastic wrapped furniture, but here we are.
BOSS: I set up a Suggestion Box. Please don’t hesitate to-
ME: [staring directly at boss while slowly stuffing cream cheese bagel into box]
In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. And God said, let there be light: and there was light. And God said let there be sunshine and moonlight and good times.
And then God blamed it on the boogie.
Italian names sound delicious. Even Mussolini, sounds like a fried cheese that ends up oppressing your digestive process. #Italians
Spending the day removing $1.6 billion worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.
ME: we have a problem, i’m out of beer
HER: it’s ok i don’t drink
ME: ok we have 2 problems
lawyer: juror number four why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency.
Bruce Willis calls the cops to report the pug that’s been chasing him. The line is silent except for soft panting. the operator barks
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day but teach a man to phish and he will steal your social security # so click here to verify your account.
The only time I get anxiety is when I’m picking up a prescription for my wife and the pharmacists asks me for her birth date.
Hallmark movie writer’s room:
“Alright, let’s get started.”
(4 minutes later)
“OK, that’s a wrap on 27 movies, good job everyone.”
Running with my dog, holding his poop in a small, lavender scented, biodegradable bag like the top-of-the-food-chain creature that I am.
“The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.”
– inept cardiovascular surgeons who end up going into gastroenterology
Me: honey, want anything from the grocery store
Him: I feel like grapes but I don’t really like grapes
Me: say no more