I’ve been ill with night terrors, nausea, dizziness, hunger pains, cry fits, and a stutter. According to Web MD, I have a date tonight.
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I don’t mean to sound racist, but why do all Chinese food takeout boxes look the same?
Imagine if a centipede had to cut its toenails.
Fun like a LinkedIn notification
*Me, accidentally knocking kitchen knife off counter*
My foot: I’LL GET IT
My brain: NO YOU IDIOT
My Dad used to do a great Darth Vader impression, by being a really bad father.
If someone is better at something than you, learn from them, let them teach you, or bathe in their blood so you can absorb their power.
how do I gracefully leave this party early but also take the queso dip with me
I was playing outside with my kids and I tried to jump over something because I forgot I’m 40 anyways who wants to sign my cast?
I’ve reached the point in my life where I’m ready for a life partner. But I’d probably be just as content with a cheeseburger.
okay, so you’re definitely the best at keeping your body completely still, what do you want, atrophy?
Meet Melissa. She is very obviously a Catfish and she clearly did not check my Instagram profile before messaging me.
Maybe the aliens read our tweets and that’s why they probe us anally because they think that’s where our brains are?
Ryan Reynolds is my cousin
~ me flirting
~ also me lying
An ad agency somewhere is about to get fired.
My brain: “safe place” or “safe spot”
My mouth: safe splot
I’m proud of my age even if my birth certificate was carved in stone.
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo so I had to put my foot down
Roommate: hey blake I just bought this whiskey wanna explain why it’s half empty?
Me: cause you’re a pessimist!
[Old lady] Please dont pet my dog. She’s a service dog
[Me] Omg I’m so sorry (stands up straight & salutes dog) Thank you for your service
the best part about being a parent is explaining normal human behaviours to the small feral people, my favourite of which has been “we don’t pee our pants on purpose when we are mad”
My sunglasses are always prescription so if they’re stolen, it becomes two idiots who can’t see.
I’ll judge you by the way you treat people.
Also by your music and book preferences, but mostly the first thing.
[cats at shelter]
Where’s Frank?
“Got adopted 3 weeks ago. Gone soft too. Healthcare plan. Hypoallergenic blanket. Goes by Mr. Boots now.”
“I’ll catch up with you, I just have to make ONE more joke on Twitter” (How I’d die in a horror movie)
Not interested in your mayonnaise-based holidays
Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.
You call it day drinking I call it very old grape juice in the morning
Me: I’d like to make an appointment for my son.
Doctor’s office: Please hold.
Me: Okay.
Doctor’s office: What is child’s date of birth?
Me: Please hold.
FAMILY REUNION ORGANIZER: Thanks again for coming, it means a lot to us all.
FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER: I’m sorry I gotta run, but I have like 3 more of these just this week.