I’ve been in Hawaii for a week & have learned that 99% of life’s problems can be solved by throwing a coconut at it
You Might Also Like
Apple announces iPhone bug that allows it to be hacked with a single click, in a ‘more intuitive and natural way than an Android bug’.
I’m getting close to that age where people applaud the things I’m “still able to do”
Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.
“Oh, I do like Chinese food!”
-My 6yo, eating chicken fingers & fries from The Imperial Bamboo kid’s menu
Told my boss at work I had three companies looking at me and asked for a raise, so of course out of curiosity she asked me which three companies.
Managing to keep a straight face I told her Gas, Water, and Electric.
canadian assassins are called killergrams
most whales are bigger than a strawberry
What was more important than the invention of the first telephone?
The invention of the 2nd telephone
My daughter gave me a coupon book for Mother’s Day and told me to pick one, so I chose the clean your room coupon. She immediately began crying because I was supposed to choose the free hug instead.
[1999]
“y2k” making us anxious
[2019]
“k” making us anxious
*pretends floor is lava*
*looks around*
*slyly pushes homework onto the floor*
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re with their significant other.
Me: *pours 3rd glass of wine at dinner*
My organs: We strike at dawn.
My 7 year old was tapping away on my Mac tonight and told me he was writing a book. I think you’ll agree it’s one hell of an opening.
A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
It’s OK to pet him. Buffalo are gentle creatures.
If you aggressively tailgate me in traffic, I will get over and let you pass. And then I’m gonna become your new best friend until one of us exits.
who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area
Ah, spring is here. Time to open the windows and remind my neighbors that I know every word to the “Grease” soundtrack.
Covid has the side effect of making us long for a time we didn’t even like.
If Nicole Kidman had a child with Gary Oldman, the child’s last name would be Middleagedman
Lower back pain is 0/10 stars, do not recommend.
Hotline for families: 407-246-4357 #Orlando
The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.
*jazz hands*
What I said: Brush your teeth!
What my 4yo heard: Chew on your toothbrush so I have to buy you a new one every week.
My 8yo daughter said people are hoarding toilet paper so they can hug it and use it as a stress reliever, and my 6yo son said that it’s more likely they’re all making forts out of toilet paper to protect them from COVID-19. Idk… forts, probably.
‘Too much’, ‘not enough’. or ‘just right’? 😂
gossiping friend: don’t breathe a word of this to anyone
me: don’t worry I only breathe air