I’ve been introducing myself as Jim The Chosen One ever since I was named milk monitor in grade 6.

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I’m lost at Costco but everyone here looks like my dad. Just gonna pick the one with the best groceries and start a new life I guess.


Cop: Have you been drinking sir?

Me: Medium Double Quarter Pounder meal please.

Cop: Step out of the vehicle.

Me: Sprite.


#WarAgainstPorn because they’re having sex and we’re not. No porn for anyone until everyone’s having sex, ok?


Daily ‘Facts About CHEESE’

Fact About Cheese #3:
“String Cheese. Is not made of string.”


*Approaches girl at bar*
Brain: Say you like her eyes. No, hair. Actually, go for eyes!
Me: You have lovely hairy eyes
Brain: My bad.


I’ll go to extreme lengths to get the last bit of toothpaste from the tube but I’ll also watch 2 hrs of Nick Jr if I can’t reach the remote.


What do we want?


When do we want it?



What kind of therapist does a cat see?
A pspspsychologist