I’ve been jogging for 6 minutes & there are, literally, 9 vultures circling above me.
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I love horror movies until it’s time to do laundry in the basement and I have to run up the stairs before a scary force pulls me back down.
Bless you
my Face ID only recognizes me if I have a cookie in my mouth
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
Update: Gingerbread men are actually incredibly slow and delicious
8: you can’t make me go to bed. I know karate now.
Me: you don’t say…
Narrator: Daddy-Fu always beats Karate, even though the moves are mostly tickling.
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
Snow white: it’s really starting to get dark in the forest & I’m gettting scared!
Huntsman: How do you think I feel! I’ve gotta find my way back on my own.
Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.
If your name is Candy you shouldn’t be allowed to work at a weight loss clinic. It just seems cruel.
Today I broke up a fight my kids had over whose popsicle was colder. Don’t tell me being a mom isn’t cool.
Sorry for loudly singing “Whoomp there it is!” when you took your pants off. It’s been a while.
Whenever I’m about to give a speech in front of an audience, I imagine myself naked.
Wait, what
Who wants to go pull on some push doors with me??
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*5 comments from aunts saying that the joke was inappropriate*
My ex just asked if I want to go on holiday with him and my ex mother-in-law and now I don’t need Twitter because I will never stop laughing
Me: I would like to summon my daughter and feel her presence once more.
Psychic: Okay. We ask for the daughter to come down and —
Daughter: I’M IN MY ROOM, MOM!
[God naming things with his good friend Brent]
God: Shirts, but for your legs
Brent: Pants
God: Nice. Ok what about the sound of a dog breathing
Brent: Pants
God: You’re killing it today, Brent
Other parents don’t want to be friends with us once they find out our child folds his own laundry and doesn’t need braces.
Does the defense have any last words?
“Yes I do your honor…
THE FLOOR IS MADE OF LAVA”
[Judge & jury scramble to get on top of tables]
We didn’t clean before our cleaning person came, and she just turned in her notice
Just read the “Our Story” section on the back of my frozen burrito box and it said “one day my wife made me a burrito and it was so good I knew we had to start a frozen burrito business” and I just feel like not every boxed food needs a story. It’s ok to just not.
I’m not exaggerating when I say I’m into old guys — the last guy I dated had an aol email address.
Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.
If I chase you, it’s most definitely with a chainsaw.
My doctor is always whispering to me something about not sticking Q tips in my ears. I need a louder doctor
ME: genie, i wish i was dead
GENIE: [makes me dead then brings me back to life] ok u have two wishes left
ME: i dont think u understood
[shark tank]
ME: my idea is a length of leather with the entire bible text etched onto it—I call it the saving strap
HOST: have you considered the bible belt
ME: yes we predict good sales there
That touchdown dance is exactly the same as mine when I wake up in a guy’s apartment and his furnished apartment has a nice view.
Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot