“I’VE BEEN KICKED OUT OF CLASSIER BARS THAN THIS,” I scream at my house
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It didn’t intend to write my 7-year-old’s school paper for him but I thought it was best for both of us I take over when he asked me how to spell serial killer.
2015: I can’t believe people think the dress is blue and black
2016: I hope the human race doesn’t destroy itself forever in violent chaos
Magician: an ordinary deck of cards right?
Guy in front row: that’s a ham.
Magician: [whispers to assistant] get eagle eyes out of here.
Who needs an Air Fryer?
As you get older you become all of the seven dwarfs.
I’m deleting all my dating apps cause I’m worried my boyfriend might find out about them
Husband:
My kids love when I tell them the story of how I became the hide and seek champion. The year was 1995, and I was playing hide and seek with my dad. I went outside and got on the roof. He couldn’t find me. After an hour of looking for me, he called the cops. Yeah… I got spanked.
These dogs look like they have good credit.
put ‘er there pardner!
For a mountain to be called Kilimanjaro, it needs to kill at least 1 manjaro.
If chickens ate human eggs we’d probably be in some kind of chicken war.
How my 7 year old plays board games:
Rolls a 6.
Counts to 6.
Moves his piece wherever he wants.
The single most brilliant thing I’ve ever read.
Well excuse me all to hell. I thought you’d be flattered with a mosaic of pictures of you at the gym. No, you don’t need to call the police.
me when my friends ask me to look after their kids
Just got off 30 min phone call w a friend who has twin 2 yr olds, & even tho i havent had sex in a week I’m taking a morning after pill NOW.
When I die, cremate everything but my feet. Then set the feet covered in my ashes on a stranger’s front porch, ring the doorbell, and hide
I went to the bathroom and forgot my phone. Had to read the little paper about Toxic Shock Syndrome from the tampon box again
I remember the first time I saw a McDonald’s “Free refills on same visit only” sign on their soft drink fountain. Shaking my head, I thought, some people are so damn cheap, while grabbing as many napkins and ketchup packets as I could hold.
So I taught myself how to juggle chainsaws from a YouTube video and let’s just say this took me twenty minutes to type out one handed
You hear a lot about golden retriever boyfriends but not girlfriends. I am one. Always excited to see you, motivated by treats and pets, constantly shedding
I eat my gummy bears 2 at a time ..no one should die alone
Kids are like public radio stations; they’re talented at constantly interrupting stories to ask for money.
Screaming into a pillow is therapeutic but it also gets you kicked out of Target.
*prints out my most successful tweets and mails them to my ex-girlfriends*
ME: What does synonym mean?
MY MOM: It’s another word for something[Later on date]
ME: You wanna get synonym from the dessert menu, Sharon?
Grandma confused about Tide Pods “kids these days eating those podcasts”….
[sees kid crying at the mall]
R u lost?
[kid nods, wiping tears]
Well [blows cigarette smoke in kids face] looks like u live at the mall now
In 1999 this man was asked to reenact his recent lottery win for TV and ended up winning again on camera
Don’t drop the soap in prison because someone might steal your soap and then you will be “the dirty guy” and no one will have sex with you