I’ve been kicked out of my gym for dressing like the grim reaper and standing silently behind people on treadmills.
You Might Also Like
cop: could you please describe the man who tried to kill you
me: yeah he was not nice
If wrestling is “fake” then explain this
Doctor: When he wakes from this coma, we don’t know if he’ll be the same or have brain damage
Me *opening eyes* gonna buy a duck and call it Dan Quackroyd
Doctor: Oh no
Wife: Oh shit he’s the same
me: [a pilgrim seeing something new] imma put a buckle on that
My son made the mistake of telling me I was being overdramatic so I just changed the WiFi password.
We’ll see who’s overdramatic in about 2 minutes.
[first time golfing]
caddy: which club would you like sir
me: do you have turkey
doctor: you have 2 weeks to live… haha just kiddin i didnt even look at your chart yet
patient: well what does it actually say
doctor: *reading chart* ok youre gonna laugh
Below Deck sounds like a way of discreetly describing a condition to my doc
[During a baby shower]
Me: Ooh I caught one
Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another
Why did they call it Social Anxiety and not Hey Fever
Walking up the lighthouse stairs can be a very towerful experience.
Very problematic
It’s like campers and hikers don’t understand that nature will come to you if you just don’t mow the lawn.
a car is a metal ravioli and you are the meat!
[zoom meeting]
big zit on my chin:
Can I go out and do drugs tonight dad?
EXCUSE ME?!
*sighs* MAY I go out and do drugs tonight dad
*snaps newspaper* that’s better
[Toddler scream crying at the top of his lungs in Target]
Me (yelling):
“SAME!”
I hate when boxing announcers say a boxer is “down for the count.” I don’t care that he loves Dracula I just want to know who’s winning.
I knew this girl, she’s really deep; she’d always find a reason to preach about how size does matter…
periods should last only 15 mins. like thanks for letting me know im not pregnant, now you can leave the doors that way.
Best seat on the street 😍
Leia: You owe child support.
Han: What? I’m in hyperspace.
Leia: You’re standing right here
Han: *makes hyperdrive noises with his mouth*
Sometimes the voices in my head get bullied by the voices in my stomach.
You’re clearly insane. Ok, I’ll give you twelve more chances
Cop: seen anything unusual?
Me: a dolphin with a hat once
Cop: I mean around here
Me: nah they live in water
The human body is 98% water.
So I’m not fat,
Just well hydrated.
Helvetica is my favorite font that sounds like a heavy metal band
Hates everyone who has a cooler birthstone than mine.
Peppa Pig calls emergency cabinet meeting to decide how to respond to Kanye’s provocation,
My MIL told my (Canadian) kids to pick something she can send them from Target. Without hesitation my 6yo asked if Target sells diamonds. My work here is done.