I’ve been kicked out of my gym for dressing like the grim reaper and standing silently behind people on treadmills.

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I’d kill for a body like that BUT I WILL NOT EXERCISE FOR IT


Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector and fire is real.


ME: sorry, I’m just in a really dark place right now
COAL MINER: who the hell are you


INMATE: “What are you in for?”
ME: “A real treat, I hope.”


[Taken Nemo]

*Clam phone rings*

Marliam Neeson: I have a particular set of gills. I don’t know who you are, but I will find Nemo.


Parents: Never talk to strangers!

Also parents: Why don’t you have any friends?


I can feel my cat judging me as I lick the spilt gravy off of her coat.


“Some people say things like ‘you can’t get blood from a stone’, or ‘vegetables shouldn’t scream when you eat them’. Well *chuckles* we here at Monsanto laboratories have spat in the face of God once again….”


PORCUPINE LAWYER: I object, your Honor! He’s badgering the witness!

BADGER LAWYER: Your Honor, he’s being a prick!

SKUNK JUDGE: [slamming gavel] Odor! Odor in the court!