I’ve been learning to cook.
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The journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step. They never tell you it’s downhill and you’ll be wearing slippers when it happens.
is it possible to get my dehumidifier to water my houseplants
I do not have a firm grasp on physics but have sketched what I have in my mind, with it strapped to a ceiling fan
Watching Prosecuting Evil. Annnnddddd every episode so far is within 100 miles of my house. No worries, absolutely no reason to worry.
Apparently when a potential employer asks you “where do you see yourself in five years?”, “I’m hoping to have found Bigfoot by then” isn’t the answer they’re looking for.
“how come you never post me?” i only post jokes on here babe and you not a joke to me
Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?
Court her the old fashioned way by doing late night burnouts in front of her house
BEYONCE: do u like my album
JAY: [thinking to self] if anyone hears this i’ll be ruined
JAY: [out loud] we should make it a tidal exclusive
Me: you look tired. Would you like to take a little nap?
4: I wasn’t yawning. I was doing my yawning exercises.
And when you saw one set of footprints, that must be when you started paying attention cause I got tired and went home a while ago
First date tip: let a photo of a dog fall out of your wallet. When she asks “is that your puppy?” say “No. That’s my dad.” Then storm off.
If you don’t want me to sing at your kids then don’t name them Roxanne.
I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.
My mother’s gravy is so lumpy it’s having a biopsy.
I’ll bet Waldo owed some people money. You don’t get that good at hiding for no reason.
Me: (throwing up in toilet)
6: (pulls my hair out of my face)
Me: *aw she cares about me*
6: Can you see now to put in the password for the iPad?
The band and I decided to go our separate ways after they saw my audition.
Spices were first brought to Europe in the Middle Ages, and some of them are still at the back of my cupboard.
Before sending a tweet l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.
My toddler just discovered he can put things in his pants pockets, so laundry should be fun tomorrow.
If you drink 6 RedBulls in less than an hour, they’re not allowed to arrest you for stealing a bus. Read the can if you don’t believe me.
God: I made spring time so that all could witness nature’s rebirth!
Satan: I make people scroll down to find their birth year.
me: *using chocolate coins as currency*
clerk: those are not legal tender
me: tender? buddy, these will melt in your mouth
Mayonnaise is basically sandwich moisturizer.
If you’re going to text your boss that you’re an hour late, make sure you end with “I’m bringing you a ham and cheese croissant.”
I just inhaled a bug. Please excuse me while I light my entire head on fire.
You haven’t lived until you’ve had a dog give you the “Jesus Christ go to bed already” look
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
What do you mean I can’t change the past?
*logs on to Wikipedia*
Guy: I don’t deserve you.
Girl: Awwwww…you’re so sweet…
Guy: I don’t mean that in a good way.