I’ve been leaving in 5 minutes for the past 3 hours.
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Rejected Disney Movie Titles:
1) Find My Fish Son
2) A Shit Ton Of Spotted Dogs
3) Peter Pot
4) Pretty Lady & Big Foot Face
5) It’s Cold
“Bring forth the sacrifice. The ritual must proceed.”
The secret to marriage is finding someone whose chore preferences complement yours.
The definition of Irony:
Your job sucks
Your kids suck
Your life sucks
Your wife…doesn’t
Decaffeinated coffee is just muddy water.
I’ve hidden porn everywhere. Not ordinary porn either, all that weird shit.
When I die, my family will talk about me for years to come.
*Walks into puppy store wearing a large trenchcoat*
*Hurries out of puppy store in a much tighter-fitting trenchcoat*
*posts “Glitter is my favorite color”*
*sits back to smirk while 347 strangers tell me glitter isn’t a color*
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me-
Me: [takes all of my laundry out of the dryer without dropping any of it on the floor]
Shania Twain: oh shit wow
Me: one man’s trash is another man’s treasure
Garbage truck driver: are you seriously doing an Italian job on a garbage truck?
I hate when sales people say stupid things like “Please stop undressing the mannequins, and your credit card has been declined again.”
My 3-year-old put a blanket over her head and ran around like it was an invisibility cloak, but not for long.
It made walls invisible, too.
INTERVIEWER: What happened at your last job?
ME: I was fired for being too literal.
I: How have you supported yourself since then?
M: Legs.
Me: I’d like to get this prescription filled
Pharmacist: This is a recipe for chicken marsala
Me: What time should I pick that up?
I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.
I prefer sex with the lights off. It’s classier and doesn’t drain the car battery.
I like my pizza like i like my square root of 64.
Ate.
Getting kidnapped and taken to a private island where I’m hunted for sport by a wealthy psychopath wouldn’t even crack the top 3 worst relationships I’ve been a part of.
Everyone is fighting a battle (with goblins) that you know nothing about (because you failed a perception check)
I bet they all call me paranoid behind my back?!
any last words?
Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line
[Jesus goes over the bill at the last supper]
“Why would-[closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose]-Why would anyone order wine?”
I usually roll around in the magazine aisle at Barnes and Noble before a date because I want to smell nice, but I’m on a budget.
I reached for my best friend and she wasn’t there. But then I realized I set my coffee down on my right side, not my left, so I’m OK now.
I’ll never understand why we aren’t buried in our final resting place wearing pajamas.
My wife is visiting her mother this weekend, so the cat and I are smoking cigars and playing poker.
Woke up this morning, looked in the mirror & said out loud, “You gotta bring it today!”
SO I’M GONNA BRING IT!
*brings lunch to work*
Ik the point of all cult documentaries is anyone can fall into a cult but I rly don’t see it happening for me just bc I’m sooo lazy and the odds of me signing up for an empowerment or healing workshop are below zero like I hate having stuff to do
There is a vast difference between an underdog and a loser, the first one has a real chance to win.