I’ve been listening to Pink Floyd for the past 2 hours. I’m about to just go ahead and skip to track 2.
You Might Also Like
Please can I keep him – he followed me home!
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: [wearing my wife’s wedding dress] laundry
I knew a guy used to trophy hunt corn. Had a necklace of ears.
They built a huge, ugly thought-control tower right next to my house but actually I love it so much
Me: Who had two thumbs and just had a bandsaw accident? This guy
Doctor: Which Guy?
She told me she’d do anything for 20 bucks. Guess who just got his Mustang washed.
How to get a guys attention:
1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV
I’m good in short bursts like grenades or gamma radiation.
Egg nog was invented in Germany back in 1816 when Baron Von Heldebrandt reportedly said “Hey guys, let’s get this custard drunk!”
A haunted house but it’s just rooms full of empty candy wrappers because I forgot to hide the candy.
All that money and sleep was super annoying anyway.
-lies parents tell themselves
My dad would freak tf out!🤣💀
Lovely walk round Fitzrovia led me to a kindred spirit.
My Uber driver: (quiet, minding their own business)
Me: are you mad at me?
trying to convince my wife to stop leaving out food for the scarecrow that ominously gets a little closer to the house each night
I’m opening a Japanese restaurant for depressives.
It’s called “Miso Sad.”
Tyler on Facebook says he ran 1.7 miles this morning… So based on calculations, I have 35 minutes to ransack his house tomorrow morning.
I love halloween time 🎃👻🐱:
– candy 🍬🍭🍫
– parties🍕🎉🍻
– costumes👯👺👽
– sacrifices to the dark lord 👉🐓👹
– scary movies🎬📽️💀😲
He was like, ‘We’re all slowly dying’
So I was like, ‘WRONG’
and I threw him in front of a moving bus.
Fun game: Order food to be delivered to your mobile home and then lead the delivery driver on a high-speed chase through town.
I watched squirrels for like an hour and thought “they don’t do ANYTHING really” and then realized I watched squirrels for like an hour
Annoying my husband while he watches Star Trek: “Why does everyone in the future wear upholstery fabrics?”
The funniest thing about being sober is someday finding out that you were the mayor of Toronto.
You look busy, I’m just gonna interrupt you anyways
– People who apparently want to go missing
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy. She was a girl. Can I make it any more obvious?
Me: Yes you could. That is incredibly vague.
me: my dog won’t stop laughing at me
vet: this is a hyena
Why don’t ants get sick?
Because they have antybodies
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.
*catches son swearing through sign language*
“We don’t use that language in this house”
*hands him hand sanitizer*
“You know what to do”
I have no time for stupid people
But they sure do have time for me.