I’ve been listening to the official workout station on Pandora for 3 months and I’m still fat, I’m calling bullshit.
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My man got attacked by a snapping turtle.
I asked the ER doctor if he would get turtle powers and the doctor asked him if he feels safe at home
Me: Wanna go for a wa—
Dog: [has already brought me leash, phone, travel water bowl, passport]
[hospital]
me: what happened
doctor: you were in a terrible car accident
me: am i going to be ok
doctor: yes, thankfully the force of the impact was absorbed by the stack of airbag recall notices on your dashboard
Me – I’m not in the mood to work today
My bank account – you better GET in the mood
Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack.
When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed
What kind of emotional tailspin causes people to “like” Lysol on Facebook?
No Olympian will ever be better at medaling than the gang on Scooby Doo.
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. Sweating and panting while trying to open this Amazon package, however…
If I were trapped in a pit by a psychopath who wanted to make a suit out of my skin, I would simply not put the lotion on my skin until there was enough hose water to float out.
I was raised as an only child…. it totally pissed off my siblings
“Can we go outside and play now?”
“Soon, boy.”
“You said that ten minutes ago.”
“As soon as I finish my cof-“
“Oops.”
“You did that on purpose.”
“It slipped.”
“I’ll get my coat.”
“Excellent.”
Her: She’s too young for you.
Me: Based on what?
Her: Based on the number of times the Earth has orbited the sun since she was born..
Me:
[on a date]
him: I hope you’re a Game of Thrones fan.
me: *stabs him with a sword then sleeps with his brother*
I’ve never read Catcher In The Rye, mostly because I can’t stand cereals or baseball.
The real you is what happens when you walk into a surprise spider web.
After 35, your body ages in dog years
The worst thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
The best thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
[first stakeout]
Cop: you seem disappointed
Me: *hiding my A1 sauce* no, it’s fine
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s
*leans over uncomfortably close to you at a funeral*
“I get so drunk at these things. Who’s in the box?”
“ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE LOL!”
-captain of the Titanic
Mick Jagger: Hey Keith, come hold my new baby.
Keith holding baby, whispers to it: I’m going to out live you too.
date: can you ask the waiter if he has chicken legs
me: *quietly* no, it’s probably just the way he walks
[after solid first date]
Ok play it cool, don’t wanna seem too eager..*texts her 47 years later*
“Had a great time the other night :)”
Tastes like chicken.
*leads horse to water*
“You’re not gonna drink, are you?”
*horse neighs*
“It’s The Fountain of Eternal Youth.”
Horse: You’re not foaling me.
even if u realy hate sombody, u shoud never insult their physical apearance!!! bc as soon as u dig deeper u will find much stronger insults
Why don’t we just number the days of the week, like:
Onesday
Twosday
Threesday
Foursday
Fivesday
Sixday
Sevensday