Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Ok I’ll be back in 3 hours.

Boss: No, do it in your own time please.

Me: Ok I’ll be back in 12 Flinglongs.

Nurse: “Have you had any unexplained weight gain this past year?”

Me: “No, there are explanations.”

Judging by the amount of times I accidently cut myself on sharp objects it’s probably just as well real lightsabers aren’t available yet.

My 12yo busted into our room with a Nerf gun. She made eye contact with her dad and really went for it. My husband was sitting with our 6yo. He immediately turned into a force field to protect her. I have so much respect for that man because I would’ve used our 6yo as a shield.

“so what did you do before self-driving cars?”
“we just drove ’em ourselves!”
“wow, no one died that way?”
“oh no, millions of people died”

I’m working from home. But as a bartender.

Pros of hiring me as a vet:
– Hard-working
– Experienced
– Reasonable prices

Cons:
– Have been dubbed “The Horse Murderer” by the press

[the clock strikes half past two]

dentist: my time has come

Parents who say they’re going to the store for smokes and never return, what’s wrong with you? It’s your house. Send the kids for smokes and change the locks.

got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff

walkable cities suck i want to be hit by a car on the highway

if you don’t like sports you are missing a whole world of easygoing conversations with complete strangers

I’m sure we could imagine what it’s like to be conjoined twins if we put our heads together.

The smoke detectors just went off in my house and no one even looked up from their phones.

and here i thought that donuts only cured sadness

How cold is it? I just snapped off an ear putting on my mask.

if you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I’ve got some news for you

When I ask a tall person to reach something in a public place, what I really wish they’d do is pick me up so I can reach it myself.

Papa Bear: I wish he’d Mackle more.

Mama Bear: I wish he’d Mackle less.

Baby Bear: I tore the throat out of a girl who stole our porridge.

The amount of time you spend cleaning your house before a friend comes over is inversely proportional to the quality of that friendship.

It’s all fun and games until your Uber driver pulls up and he’s driving a hearse.

Me: [2007] next year I’ll meet more people and be open to new experiences
Me: [2017] next year I’ll live in an underground bunker and build my own squirrel army

Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year.

Most of the time.

Once in a while.

Never mind, I’ll buy my own stuff.

5 ways to appear taller

captain: listen up, i need some help writing the number two in roman numerals

crew: I I captain

Adulthood is like the part in The Wizard of Oz where Dorothy tries to runaway from her problems, but then SURPRISE, there is also a tornado.

My 8 year-old desperately wants to be a teacher when she grows up and loves pretending she’s a teacher around the house. Today I found her eating a cupcake in the kitchen and when I asked her who said that was OK she replied, “it’s teacher appreciation day”

Nothing brings neighbors together like a few cops cars in front of another neighbor’s house that no one likes.

Your pancakes will never taste as good as the ones your mother made because those pancakes had a secret ingredient, which is that you were six years old.

Me: [Advancing my knight] How much to build a hotel on this square?

Grim Reaper: First, as I explained, that’s not how the horse moves.