I’ve been looking for the lid for this Tupperware container and somehow I’m now three weeks late for work.
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wtf is this choreography 😭😭😭
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
Sorry Im late, I saw that Spongebob episode where he’s a lifeguard but cant swim, even though they live underwater & now my brain is leaking
Sometimes when I travel I toss a flashlight into my bag and when I open the bag later it’s turned on. So no lightsaber for me thanks.
Based on my hair this morning . I think I might be a muppet .
10 years ago I got my dream job in MI5 and the rest is [redacted]
The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.
I hate it when genies exploit your poor choice of wording to fulfill your wish in a way you don’t actually want, like dude, you know what I meant.
When I die i’m donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician
Doctor: I’m afraid you’re dying
Me: And there’s no cure?
Doctor: Yes just cut out pizza and chocolate
Me: I can’t believe there’s no cure
I’ve done hundreds of crossword puzzles over the years, but just this morning I noticed they provide clues.
My neighbor’s looking at me like she’s never seen a guy stuck in her doggy door before. And what’s with the screaming? And the golf club?!
man i love columbo
her: so we could have sex
me: 🙁
her: or we could do the complex fight choreography you came up with
me: 🙂
her: [sigh] i’ll get the katanas
The first guy to ever throw water at girl in a white shirt probably broke the record for the number of high-fives received in one minute.
Nice flex Egyptians, pyramids AND bedsheets.
Anyone want a chair?
What do you get when you expose a cow to radioactive waste?
A Mootation
2020: A masked guy puts lasagna in your trunk and then you drive away.
Oh no I got so excited that you texted me that I accidentally replied 11 thousand times and then swung into your house on a rope
Edison stole the idea for the lightbulb from the lightbulb that appeared above his head when he got the idea for the phonograph
These are my roll models.
Cop: First name please…
“Frida”
Cop: Last name…
“Gomam”
Cop: You’re Frida Gomam?
*peels out*
Cop: Nice, nice
Cookie dough and vodka are not dinner.
Coocie dogh and vodka are nt diner.
Cokie dgh and vodkka arnt dinr.
Ckidgvkljtdcbr.
They think they may have found Amelia Earhart’s plane. Gosh, I hope she’s alright.
Nobody learns to parkour faster than a parent chasing a toddler with a sharpie
In case you were wondering, Taco Bell offers free wi-fi.
Don’t bother asking for the password, because it’s totally “Cornhole Explosion”.
whats the most professional email sign off that implies if you have to follow up in any way you’re prepared to put the recipient in a wood chipper? for me it’s thanks.
If he calls you clingy, move in immediately without warning and decorate his bed with 57 throw pillows