This Venn guy was sure bad at drawing circles next to each other
I’ve been looking for the lid for this Tupperware container and somehow I’m now three weeks late for work.
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Twitter is my favorite MMORPG ever. I just say nasty shit and then I get to collect awesome people like experience points.
He asked where I wanted to go for dinner, and that’s how the fight got started.
I would make a good cat because I also like to pause in the middle of a fight to lick my own shoulder real fast
My son: I need a nap, I’m so tired.
Me: Aw buddy – didn’t sleep good last night?
My son: no, I just couldn’t sleep in class today like I usually do.
Please stop asking Santa for the perfect woman…….
3 times he’s tried to kidnap me this week
-My kids an hour after finishing Thanksgiving dinner
Apparently introducing your puppet as your lover to people is frowned upon.
Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea. If you add commas.
Ignorance is not bliss. It’s just a fancy word for stupid.