I’ve been looking for the lid for this Tupperware container and somehow I’m now three weeks late for work.

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This Venn guy was sure bad at drawing circles next to each other


Twitter is my favorite MMORPG ever. I just say nasty shit and then I get to collect awesome people like experience points.


He asked where I wanted to go for dinner, and that’s how the fight got started.


I would make a good cat because I also like to pause in the middle of a fight to lick my own shoulder real fast


My son: I need a nap, I’m so tired.

Me: Aw buddy – didn’t sleep good last night?

My son: no, I just couldn’t sleep in class today like I usually do.



Please stop asking Santa for the perfect woman…….

3 times he’s tried to kidnap me this week


Apparently introducing your puppet as your lover to people is frowned upon.


Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea. If you add commas.