I’ve been married to my husband for 16 years and just learned he doesn’t like ice cream cones. What in the hell have we been talking about all this time?
You Might Also Like
*Makes bacon
*Eats one piece
*2 pieces
*3 pieces
*Eats all the bacon
*Hides the evidence9: Yummm! What’s that smell?
Me: Cereal
me when i see my girls butt
[first day as a doctor]
Welcome to the hospital! Can I take your order?
Humans are made up of 70% water so next time you’re thirsty just eat Jeff from accounting.
Billy Joel: You may be right, I may be crazy! But it just may be a lunatic you’re looking for…
Billy Joel’s 3 ex-wives: Yeah. Nope.
I’m flying to my 30th high school reunion and I think I forgot to turn my stove off and also to be successful
I’m not saying my 4yo is an optimist, but while putting groceries away he held up a bag of cookies and said “I’ll just keep these in my room, ok?”
I’m not smiling because I like you, I’m smiling because I’m imagining a piano landing on your head.
<—- homeless romantic
Me: My golf distance is improving. You should see how far I can get my clubs down the fairway now.
Friend: Ball. You mean ball, right?
Me: No.
Person: I like for people to spell out what they want.
Me: C-h-e-e-s-e.
I’m quitting my job to pursue my dream of quitting my job.
Guy who invented the spelling of bologna: shoplifting is a misdemeanor but murder is a felogna
The rule should be if you can smell the cookout you’re invited to the cookout.
I swallow at least one note per meal that says “we’re all really proud of you,” in case the person who does my autopsy is having a bad day.
Me: We’ve eaten nonstop for four straight days.
Wife: I know. It’s awful.
Me: So… we can either eat AGAIN— or we could go into the other room and burn a few calories…
Wife: I’ll preheat the oven.
Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It shits on the floor.
The first rule of Minecraft club, is we do not talk about anything other than Minecraft!!
8-12yo’s apparently
[interview]
Any questions?
“Why isn’t Bigfoot called Bigfeet?”
No about working here
“Oh! If he worked here would you call him Bigfeet?”
Me five minutes ago: I’m not sure what the United Kingdom is
Me now: very good result in Newcastle Central, bodes poorly for the Tories
Judas: The one I kiss is Jesus Christ.
Soldier: You can just point to him.
Judas: (putting on lip-balm) I don’t tell you how to do your job.
Clay shooting is like real life Duck Hunt, right up until you swing your controller around towards the crowd and they’re all like “PUT THE GODDAMN GUN DOWN, Alison!”
I’ve been attending Acronym Anonymous meetings recently. Or as I like to call it AA.
I’m not making a lot of progress.
SICK of gossip rags only being interested in famous people. Can someone please investigate the woman in my building who put a salad in the recycling bin
Daughter: It’s Halloween…let’s do something really scary.
Me: You’re in luck…I’m just about to do the bills.
i just think if i chewed lava quick enough it wouldn’t be too bad
the red hot silly peppers
My husband has Tourette’s Syndrome—
every time he drives.
Police: How did they break in?
Me: I have a fake garden rock w/a key inside.
Police: They found it?
Me: They threw it through the window.
Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.